Tuesday, 16 December 2008

What Should I Do?

I'm having a bit of a career dilemma. Yesterday morning I got offered my old cleaning job. I can't decided whether or not to accept it. I'm tempted by the fact that it's more money than I'm currently getting; I feel like I know how to do this job better and it's a bit easier because people aren't around and I won't be cleaning toilets. Actually the toilets I clean are pretty clean already.

It's the money. I want it! Of course. It's an extra hour of work so I'll definitely get paid for it. Currently I work overtime to get the job done properly. I am recording it on my sign-on sheet but I don't get paid for it. I know I should talk to one of my supervisors about this but I don't know....I chicken out. I'm worried I'm too slow at cleaning. My old boss gave me extra time with pay to do the job, I assume because I was actually using that time to clean. And she seems to like me. (Strange woman, lol).

But how can I do it? I still don't drive so it's going to be a nightmare getting to work. (3 am start for those of you not in the know). No public transport to get me there. I suppose it's not really worth it. But I'm going to torture myself thinking about it until the end of the week.

I'm leaning towards declining the offer. In which case my sister thinks I should tell her sooner rather than later. She's right of course. But.......I'm so indecisive.

Monday, 17 November 2008

So Far

I’ve adjusted back into cleaning a lot faster than I thought I would. The things that freaked me out, like people seeing me clean, doesn’t really bother me any more. I block them out and I’m sure they avert their eyes and pretend I don’t exist. Just as I would. Mind you I’ve been there long enough now for people in the office I clean to start saying “Hi” or “Bye” to me. Or better yet apologise for making a mess of what I literally just cleaned. And at the end of my first week some guy who looked important told me what a good job I was doing. You do the toilets as well? Well done. Eep! Why doesn’t this conversation embarrass you as much as it does me!?! I found it even stranger still because his is one office that is locked after hours and therefore not one I actually have to clean. I love him just for that!

Thursday, 30 October 2008


I'm back!

Next Wednesday I return to cleaning. I've been so bored and stressed about money that it's not such a bad thing. And yet....

I was hoping I could do better than this.

Thursday, 23 October 2008


I was feeling popular earlier this week. Work is in the air. I can almost taste it. Of course now I’m just going mad waiting to hear something more definite.

It looks like I will be going back to Spotless soon. I called Geraldine on Monday, but she didn’t have any work for me. However she gave me a lead for some other cleaning work. It’s a different site with much more liveable hours.

Also on Monday I had a phone interview for the new Officeworks opening in Coburg next month. I didn’t think I did that well. Being flustered and caught off guard as I always am when I get calls relating to work. When I was told if I was unsuccessful I would receive an e-mail I thought that was it. But lo and behold I got called back soon after for a group interview on Wednesday. I was totally surprised.

When I got there I overheard another interviewee quoting some statistics. That 150 people had applied, there were 30 positions and 40 people had made it to this stage. If that’s true I’m even more surprised I’ve got this far. I think the fact I’m a local, like most of the other people there, was what did it for me in the end. Like I said I did do pretty badly during the phone interview. “Um...yeah...because...I think.”

I don’t know how I did in the group setting. I never can tell. I didn’t feel too bad afterwards. As always I probably should have said more. But of course there’s always Spotless. I’ve done the paperwork for them and now I’m just waiting for a call to start work. Even though Officeworks would be better for me in the long run giving me more experience, especially customer service, I feel more confident with the cleaning. It’s boring and often stressful but I know what I am doing. (Hell I've bitched enough about it here already).

I’m also crossing my fingers for my television career. Last I heard, (two weeks ago), both sides were going through the finishing touches on the contract. And once my “bosses” get funding from the ABC and Film Victoria I should be part of the team again. That would be wonderful but I can’t get too excited about it. It’s been too long. I just can’t trust it will really happen. If you know what I mean?

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Tough Times

I spoke to my boss. She said she is going to go through the roaster and would try to get me a few hours. I know she’ll do what she can.

Wow, I really took my Plan B for granted. As much as I loathed it I always thought I could go back. I’m not sure what to do next.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

The First Step (But In Which Direction?)

Well I’ve done it. I’ve made contact with my old cleaning boss. Boy I’ve been putting that off for ages. I’m so pathetic all I could do was exchange a series of text messages with her. But it has resulted in a scheduled phone call tomorrow afternoon at four. Will I get to go back to Spotless? And perhaps more importantly will I kill myself if the answer is “Yes?” (I’m thinking probably). Well no point getting too upset about it now. Ha! What a joke. I can't even describe how upset I am about the way things are at the moment. Anyway, looking at the "bright" side it may not even be an option. Things could get worse!

I wanted so badly to get away from cleaning.

Monday, 11 August 2008

Nothing Yet

I did hear back from Garnet of Rayon Productions but it wasn’t anything to get excited about. He said he would send me a draft to critique but that was over two weeks ago. I don’t think it would have worked out anyway. They’re guerrilla filmmakers. I admire the balls that go with it but it’s not really the sense of security I’m looking for. A pay cheque would be nice.

I’m getting sick of all these false starts when it comes to work. In desperation I was approached last Wednesday for a temporary data entry job that would have started today. I had already given up on this one and was surprised they called me. They emailed me a data entry test. I’m a little rusty and I assume I failed it.

Hmm. It’s the assumption part that annoys me. I just want to know. I didn’t get any results after taking the test. And when I talked to them on the phone they asked if I was free to come in the following day. I am very free. I’m always free! No phone call. No reply to my email. Thursday was terrible. The mental torture I put myself through. Hope can be so self-destructive, no? I was going mad with desperation.

It’s probably my fault. I wasn’t fast enough or accurate enough. But I just hate how excited I got about the possibility of going back to work.

Perhaps data entry was a stretch for me as I’ve been out of practise. But I applied to a dishwasher job not so long ago and was even asked to come back for a trial. I don’t know what I did wrong there but I never did get called back. The trial was rather weird too as I didn’t end up doing any dishes at all. Instead I got to wrap up napkins in groups of 15 or 25 for the platters.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Write Away

Thanks to my despicable chat addiction, made worse of late due to the re-discovery of how to get back into the Yahoo chat rooms, I was able to discover late last night that I got a positive response to a writing job I applied to on Friday.

It was posted on Seek. Now I know enough about the industry that it’s rather uncommon to see jobs for scriptwriters and the like posted online. It’s even rarer when it’s for people just starting out. The word “Professional” comes to mind when I think about the Film/Television/Radio jobs section. Really it’s all social networking and initiative; now you see why I haven’t got anywhere!

It felt too good to be true when I was applying. Then afterwards rather dodgy when I tried to Google the production company and couldn’t find them. They are called Rayon Productions. The best I got was a history of the production and creation of rayon. Yes, I was a bit suspicious. I have now Googled the name of the person who responded. That got me the results I was looking for. Including an entry in the Internet Movie Database. I wouldn’t call it reliable but it’s a site I enjoy searching while on a hunt for trivia. It reassured me.

So what did they say? Well they invited me to a “general writers meeting” this Thursday afternoon. I would love to go but, (you knew there had to be a but), it’s up in Sydney. I already replied saying it was unlikely that I could go. (Who knows though? I might be able to think up some way to get there. It’s a pity it’s happening so soon. I can be quite cunning given the opportunity). I asked if there was anything else I could do to show I was keen. And I am. I would love a chance to write a script. If I’m lucky I’ll hear back from them.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Uncomfortably Numb

I was rather pathetic today. I made arrangements to do a photo shoot this morning in, of all places, a Belgrave basement-come-studio. As I’ve stated, or at least implied before, I’m not comfortable being the centre of attention. I thought I could handle it but as soon as I got picked up at the station I changed my mind. I wasted a good ten minutes or more fretting over it. (Time is money love, make a decision. That doesn’t help!) I had to get real: Me doing a photo shoot, I don't think so!

He asked me on the way back to the station if I felt better now I had decided not to go through with it but to be honest I didn’t. I’m angry with myself that I didn’t just do it and get it over with.

I’m too ugly. And even though this is one time when that could actually work in my favour I don’t really want to see myself that way, or think about myself like that.

It seems like more effort than it’s worth. But hey if it got me some work....GRR! I can’t help thinking that having photos in my profile is no guarantee of getting work. It’s fucked up.
I’m fucked up.

It’s not much of an excuse but I really wasn’t prepared for it today. I didn’t really like the clothes I threw together last night and I didn’t have much idea of what types of photos I wanted. If I hadn't been so self-conscious I probably would have laughed. At one level I can't take it seriously. But at the sometime I can't relax enough to enjoy it either. That goes for everything!

This has been a lot more complicated than I was expecting. I mean I’m just walking wallpaper why do I need all these stupid photos of me? It seems so unnecessary. I’m not intending to make a career out of this. It was meant to be a one-off thing. Something to write about in this stupid blog. As well as another chance to taste my dream; then get my hopes worked up and finally have them dashed again by Life or Fate.

What I hate the most is what this says about me. Why can’t I just do it? Why instead does it make me feel ridiculous and embarrassed? How can I get over it?

In the end perhaps this is just a good idea that’s gone bad.

Friday, 27 June 2008

I Don’t Live Today

I just discovered this Jimi Hendrix song. Thanks once again to the Shuffle function on iTunes. It seems fitting as I come to the end of this crappy day. I had plans but in the end I just couldn’t be bothered. Instead I didn’t eat properly and had too many of the left over sweets from my birthday party. I’ve been doing that all week and feeling bad about it.

I really need to go back to work. I need the structure in my days.

I’m going crazy.

Will I live tomorrow? Well, I just can't say. But I know for sure I don't live today.

I know I shouldn’t write when I feel like this. But maybe it’s better than screaming.

Thursday, 26 June 2008

She’s Got The Look

Gadzooks. ATM did get back to me. I had a missed call on my mobile – an event in itself. It was them. I called back to get a fifteen minute spiel from Dan saying I could get work but I need more photos for my profile. The importance of having photos could not be expressed enough, as it was on their website. And why not take advantage of their photo shoot special? (Ah the catch!) Because I have better – well other – things I could spend $180 on. He kinda hung up on me when I didn’t commit to the photo shoot. That was a bit hurtful. But overall the phone call perked me up. After all it was rather flattering to get a call back. (I haven’t had any call backs for my other recent job applications). I must look all right. (Yeah?)

My problem with the photo shoot, besides the expense, is I don’t want to be the centre of attention.* I don’t deserve it.** I mean the whole appeal of being an Extra was blending into the background; taking up space and such. There is a certain amount of effort and deliberate standing out during a photo shoot that is just not me at all.

The other thing is I never thought I’d do this professionally. I just wanted to try it once for a laugh; to see what it’s like and maybe earn a few bucks. The ad that sparked this off was calling for Extras for one particular movie project but the way the company is set up you join them – for free, I know they’d want you to know that - and then maybe get some work.

I’m leaning towards giving this a go. There isn’t much else happening in my life at the moment. I’ve asked a friend and semi-professional photographer to take some photos for me. Even then I’m bound to feel ridiculous. I’m going to go through my wardrobe and see if I’ve got clothes that cover the three recommended photo themes: professional, casual and trendy. Crikey what does “trendy” mean these days?

I’ve never done any Extra work before so I wondered how much acting experience was required. And the answer was none apparently. To paraphrase Dan all that is needed of an Extra is someone who can speak English and run. If the motivation is right I can do both of those things.

I was told it is fun work, good pay and a chance to meet new and interesting people. Now being the antisocial type I think this is a definite positive for me. Assuming the social networking doesn’t freak me out too much.

He mentioned they are casting for Neighbours. I can’t quite see myself sitting in the cafe sipping a milkshake. Well I wouldn’t see myself anyway since I haven’t seriously watched the show since I was eleven. It would be funny to get a call from those friends who still watch asking, Was that you? Should I not tell them just to surprise them? I’m seriously jumping the gun here. And experience tells me that is the root of disappointment and heartache.

*Oh that's such a lie! Of course I want it.
** Another lie.

Sunday, 22 June 2008

Power Play

I haven’t talked much about television. I thought I would be blogging about my experiences entering the television industry. That’s what this was supposed to be about. It could still happen. I guess this is the more realistic story. The being-out-of-work-most-of-the-time story. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had the obligatory second job. That’s where going back to cleaning comes to mind. It was night shift so sort of doable. And it might be a bit better than hunting for another one, which hasn’t been much fun.

I’ve had some news at last, although “news” might be a stretch. The rather vague message was, No progress but not to worry. Do I look bothered? It’s still in the publishing company’s hands. The Managing Director has to make a decision. HE HAS TO! For me. I don’t know why he’s dragging it out. I’m not sure if any other production companies are courting this project. Or it could be that he does intend to work with David and co. but is just taking his sweet time on the agreement. A power play. Ooh big man! Groan. It’s all right for everyone else they have other projects to get on with. My contract is only to work on this adaptation. So unless this man gives the go ahead I have nothing to do. No job and no money. And now after a month it’s really starting to cut into the savings. Not to mention cutting into my emotions.

In other news, this morning I signed up to Australian Talent Management under the Extras category. I don’t think I filled in the form properly. I was expecting certain things but in the end couldn’t work out where to include them. Before I knew it the process was over. Oops. I regret it already. Oh nah, I shouldn’t fret about it. I’ll probably never hear from them. Just like any other job application.

I want my job back!

Sunday, 15 June 2008

Clean Start

At first I was horrified to discover my birthday, June 15, is International Cleaners Day. It felt like a sign that I have to go back to that terrible work. It was my mum who told me, she heard it on the radio. She confessed she wasn’t sure if she should mention it to me. I was not impressed. I did not want the association. But now I’ve looked it up and it’s not such a bad thing. (Although I still wish it was on another day!) I got the name wrong it’s actually International Justice for Cleaners Day. Let me cut and paste the information I found out about it.

The annual rallies around International Justice for Cleaners Day grew out of an ugly incident on June 15, 1990, in Los Angeles when police beat immigrant cleaners protesting the way a multi-national cleaning company was treating them in a CBD office block.

This incident provoked public outrage in the USA and abroad. Pressure from cleaners who belonged to unions in other countries helped force the contract cleaner to finally sit down, negotiate and show some respect and decency when talking with their workers.

Since then - for nearly two decades now - June 15 has become a focal point for organising cleaners in campaigns and celebrations across several continents.

I don’t know the etiquette for references online but here’s the website:

I wish I knew about it when I was a cleaner; mind you I was pretty pissed off already living the experience. And to be honest I’m not sure if I would have gone to a rally if I knew about any that may have been on in Melbourne. I didn’t even know there was a union for cleaners until near the end of working for Spotless. I still feel guilty that I didn’t join but I knew at the time I was leaving soon and wanted to save what money I could. Then again someone could have told me about the union sooner. (That’s just the guilt talking).

Friday, 13 June 2008


I cracked and sent an email to David, (my “boss”), asking what’s happening with the project. It has been over two weeks since I heard anything. And my mum keeps asking me if I’ve had any news. As if I wouldn’t have mentioned it to her. Wouldn’t I seem happier?

I don’t know how long I should wait for this job. Until I’m broke or just before that delightful day? I don’t really know what else I can do. I’ve been applying to jobs in the meantime but so far it’s just been one email saying sorry not this time. (The Extra stuff doesn’t count. But it shows you’ve been paying attention. I like that. I like that a lot). But hey what difference does it make? I tend to blow interviews anyway. Should I go back to study? Try something less academic this time since I feel that road has left me nowhere. Perhaps try some technical training for a different type of job in the media industry? Although I’m not sure what I’d want to be trained in. The expense is always off putting. Besides I’m really off more school at the moment. Although I did quite well - for, let’s be honest, a lazy bitch – I can’t say I enjoyed most of my school life. Bullying aside I often found it tedious. My degree feels completely useless too. Great!

The worst thing about waiting is thinking I should go back to my old cleaning job. I must be insane. The hours were terrible, I can’t stress that enough. The work stressful and boring and oh...there was a lot of bad things about that job. It was unsafe and unhealthy. And yet they gave me the chance. It was my first proper job. Not quite the boost to the old self esteem I was looking for but still. Well I know it’s there if I need it. A last resort I hope. I wish that would be an end to it but I know my mind will torture itself over it some more. It’s what I do.
And that’s enough of that.

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Fine Print

On Saturday I was surprised to see I got an email response to my application for the Extra work. It seems more like an ad to join Australian Talent Management (ATM – where the money is!) than the actual job it was describing on Seek. It says it’s free to join but I’m just not sure. It wasn’t as slapdash as I thought and hoped it would be.

Do I want to join? Is it going to make any difference if I do? I think the potential for embarrassment and/or heartache is huge. For example, do I even want to know my weight and height? Let alone share it with strangers? They also recommend putting up a photo, warning a crappy one will do you no favours. I have one I like but is it good enough? I’m not sure I really want the follow up call if it turns out I have got what it takes to be an Extra. Perhaps boredom and desperation will drive me to it at a later date. Actually it kinda feels like a dead end after working myself into a tizzy over making the phone call in the first place. I hate me.

Anyway! At the moment I actually have some temporary work. More like a favour really. Work through one of my mum’s friends. (Give the kid a break). I’m proofreading a report on Sexually Transmitted Infections in young people. Asking young people how information should be transmitted among their peers. So any potential campaigns can hopefully reach their target audience. Quite an interesting read, although resulting in the less pleasant side effect of reminiscing over one’s sexual misadventures. What a fool.

I don't know. This day could have been better. It started off well. A beautiful day and yet I'm left rather disappointed.

Friday, 6 June 2008

On Call

Well I phoned today – after putting it off all morning and then most of the afternoon, resulting in a lovely stress headache - only to get a message saying, “This phone is not taking incoming calls.” (I rang a second time just to make sure I dialled the right number – same message). Seriously if there had been voice mail I would have left a message. Now I may have done something even more embarrassing by sending off a resume and cover letter. I was going to send a photo, just to prove how different I look, but it was taking forever to attach on Seek. It may be for the best. I wonder if they’ll even get it. Oh it does matter. I’ve already fucked up another opportunity.

Thursday, 5 June 2008

Extra Shy

I wish I was more daring. I found an advert late on Monday night to work as an extra but I’m too chicken to call up about it. The money’s good and I fit the criteria. I’m all shapes and sizes and I reckon my nationality is indeterminate. No doubt useful for a city that is pretending to be bigger than Melbourne. I’ve read it’s Boston in fact.

I suppose I’m a bit nervous because I’m no actor. But then as an extra it might just be about filling the scene. I can take up space. Easy.

I really should do it today. Make the call. I’m in quite a good mood for a change. I’ve been doing a lot of tap practice this morning. And I might add doing it quite well for a change. I’ve been taking advantage of having the house to myself. That of course is another good reason to call today. I’m bound to embarrass myself over the phone and would rather no one else was around to hear it. So, after shaking the Magic Eight Ball of Life and waiting for the bubbles to subside I see that “All signs point to yes.” Make that call. If nothing else it might give me something to write about later. Oh that would be nice.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Into The Third Week

Yes week three and I’m still not sure what’s going on with my would-be job. This is the longest time I've been on standby. No news is good news? Well yes, it might be better than knowing it’s officially over. Hope you enjoyed that little taste of living your dream. Now if you don’t mind, please go away.

I was struck by this week’s horoscope reading care of my local newspaper:

Uninformative as the chaos around you, and within, that you’re experiencing seems, by June’s second half, you’ll recognize just how many seemingly insurmountable issues you’ve overcome. Tuesday’s Gemini New Moon offers unaccustomed insights to even the most resistant of dilemmas. They come at a price, and that’s being still long enough to face these in their entirety.

It’s weird how “accurate” they can be/feel. Mind you I’m still waiting for Tuesday’s unaccustomed insights to my most resistant of dilemmas. Sigh. And it would be good if by the middle of June, my birthday, this whole thing is sorted out. Fingers crossed for the best. “It is all we mortals can do.”

Saturday, 31 May 2008

Turn That Frown Upside

Well this might as well be about getting things off my chest. Turn that frown upside down. I’ve had a stress headache all week. Worried about whether or not I’ve got a job. Earlier this year I finally got my foot-in-the-door of the industry I wanted to work in – Television.

What I imagined working in television would mean for me was being a writer. That’s not really what it means right now. Although reading and writing is a strong component of my work. My credit, where credit is due, is Development Assistant. Not too shabby. I’ve worked on two script treatments. That was pretty cool. I’m learning so much. I love that. The only problem is I’m often put on “standby.” Most people would love the time off but it’s unpaid and uncertain times for me. I try not to make myself sick worrying about it but I can’t help it. I’m a bit of a worrier by nature.

The project I’m working on is only in its preliminary stage. We* are trying to adapt a series of children’s books into a television show. It’s up to the point where the publishing company has to decide if they want us to do the adaptation. An agreement has to be worked out between both parties before I get the e-mail I’ve been checking for regularly. The e-mail that says come back to work, it’s full steam ahead. (Insert Happy Dance here). There seems little doubt that the publishing company is interested in going ahead with a television series. The books are really popular. However it isn’t certain if they want to work with us.

* I don’t know if I can say “we” when I don’t feel like I’m officially a part of the team. Though I am the one who is supposed to read all the books and know the characters and what’s happening. I’ll be the go to girl, if things go ahead. Woo hoo!

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Still Not Sure

To blog or not to blog? That is today’s question. I keep asking myself what it’s going to be about, but I don’t even know where to start.

It took a while to come up with a web address that hadn’t already been taken. Gees when you think you’re being original and quirky some bastard’s already beaten you to it.

I still don’t know what I’m going to write about. So “waste time together” seems appropriate. Though I suspect I’m just wasting my own time at the moment.