Friday, 31 July 2009

I Missed A Girl

Yesterday when I was wasting time chatting I met skullcrackerXX. That sounded like a very masculine name to me, and frankly I’m used to guys requesting a chat (among other things), so I was surprised to learn she was a Melbourne F too! The next question was, “Are you bi?” To which I said not so far. I believe most people, if not everyone, is/are. I know they say it’s easier for girls to experiment and “play” with each other. I haven’t, which I told her. She told me she’s kissed lots of girls but so far that’s it. I’m not against the idea. I think when it comes to love and lust that limiting yourself to the opposite sex is silly.

When I was in high school in the 90s they had re-runs of The Flying Nun on TV and I do believe I had quite the crush on Miss Sally Field. She was so cute! LOL. I can’t remember if I actually wanted to kiss her, let alone sleep with her, but there was some sort of attraction going on. More recently though I had a strong urge to be with Stephanie March when she played a lawyer on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I was a bit sad when she had to go into witness protection and basically left the show. Then all of sudden she’s on 30 Rock playing a lesbian. And still looking fucking hot! Liz Lemon didn’t want to go there but I think I would have.

[Oh I want to be Liz Lemon and run my own TV show. Writing about that is what I had hoped this blog would be about. Now it’s thwarted work ambitions and lacklustre sex. I was hoping the sex would increase my readership but I don’t think it has or will].

I’m not usually into blondes but I think Ms March is beautiful. And looking at her again I remember now she also looks like a female version of a boy in my class from primary school. They are both from Texas. It must be something in the oil.

What was I saying? Ah yes the mysterious skullcracker. She asked me if I wanted to share some photos. I told her I was too ugly and she said “I’m not that good looking though.” I put up my photo but I never did see hers. I assume she saw mine. She asked me again if I was bi after that. I said, “I've never been with a girl, but sure, I'd be curious to try it. I think most people are a little bi.” Then I asked her if she was and she said yes. But she didn’t put up her photo and things went quiet.

I got an offline from her next time I signed in. We chatted a little later that night. She asked what I was doing and I said I should be sleeping. She said she should be too then said, “let’s sleep together.” I raised an eyebrow and she laughed. She suggested we meet an
d see how we feel, even inviting me to spend the night at her place this Saturday. It’s terrible but I thought I’ve got work and how do I explain it to my mum? And with work I didn’t want to tell her I was a cleaner. So I chickened out.

I don’t want to sound shallow but I don’t know what she looks like either. Not that being good looking is a prerequisite for the men I’ve been with. In fact, so-so looking fat bastards are a plus. Makes me feel smaller and more feminine by comparison. However I think women, good looking ones especially, are different. I’d be much more intimidated by female looks.

I came close to meeting another girl from chat a few years ago and if the photo in her profile was really her then she was way too good for me! Thin and blonde. Yikes. I don’t know why she wanted to meet me. I was fatter then too. She had a spa and offered me a dip. She was in a share house so I was a bit hesitant about others being around. I finally agreed to meet her but she never showed up! I was nervous as hell and stranded at Essendon station. Tragic. I couldn’t get her on the phone, it kept cutting out. I found out later her car broke down and her phone wasn’t working properly. Oh well. I don’t know if I could have done it but it would have been interesting to see what happened. I lost touch with her.

I sent skullcracker a few messages earlier today and wondered if I’d hea
r from her again. (After all I had chickened out before. She thought I wasn’t interested, but to be honest I just wasn’t sure. I haven’t thought about being with a woman in a long time).

I did. Now that I’m home I have this: hey.. well i still dont mind tryin with u. if ur really curious we can just keep it to ourself… we can try it sometime. I am a bit surprised but pleased to hear from her again. I
am getting curious.

I shouldn’t really make assumptions but I think I’d be good at oral on a girl; however I admit I am merely transferring my skills with cocks. But a familiarity with the anat
omy may also be to my advantage. (Few men have actually found my clit: rubbing around in blind hope. And even when they do, they tend to lose it again. Rather careless of them).

I'm more curious about sucking tits. Even though having mine sucked doesn't give me much sensation - and yes that does shit me no end! I'd still like to do it to someone else. Lucky for me I do feel something when they are being licked. A nice hot wet tongue. Mmm, bliss! It does feel very naughty, wet and tingly. I tell them that but they still suck. I suppose it's more natural.

Creepy Coincidence

When I walked into work today I was a bit discouraged to find a party going on in the kitchen area. I don’t like change in my routine, not at work anyway, but then I thought great I might get to finish early if it goes on long enough.

When I was getting my stuff ready to start I overheard it was a wake. That made me feel guilty because today I was meant to go my friend’s mother’s funeral. I really wanted to, to show support, but I didn’t make it in the end.

All morning I was working on an application for a really great TV job I came across accidently last Sunday night. Today was the closing date. I’m such a slacker. I could have got it done earlier but I have a tendency to do important things at the last minute. All my uni essays and my thesis in particular come to mind. I think it’s because if I run out of time I either submit it as is or just let it go. Trying to shift the blame I suppose. Anyway, I got it sent off by 1.20pm but I knew I wouldn’t make it in time to the funeral. I felt so awful.

I’m sorry Jodie! My love and condolences to you and your family.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

We’re Still Friends

Yes I am happy to report that my aforementioned dalliance with Mr Married hasn’t resulted in a termination of friendship; which is great since I am a better friend than lover/sex puppet/fuck buddy, or what have you. I’m loyal and down right adorable. LMAO*. And that’s just gonna have to be good enough.

*AN ASIDE: Don’t you wish it was that easy? To literally laugh your arse off. I’ve seen those stories about laughter helping you lose weight but I don’t laugh out loud that often and I’d have to laugh 24/7 to make a noticeable impact. Nah. I’ll just have to stick to cleaning. Best workout I’ve ever had, in terms of results. Pretty damn boring and devastating in every other respect.

We’ve chatted and text’d a little since then. I was really nervous to get in touch. I thought I had ruined everything by having sex with him. It’s not that I don’t want to – my body tells me I do by getting obscenely wet and I am an excellent cocksucker - but I have issues which mean I’ve never really enjoyed it, (intercourse proper). Issues I bottle up for the most part, out of extreme guilt and embarrassment, so of course I make things harder for myself. And that’s partly why after my last encounter I’ve decided to give sex up.

When I talk about my encounters, usually online and occasionally on the phone, men always tell me it would be different with them. They’d make sure I cum, treat me right, etc., etc., that in the past the men I’ve been with have been selfish and only concerned with their orgasm(s). In all honesty most men have been good to me and tried to “pleasure” me. I’m just a shy, stubborn bitch who can’t relax. When I get close, and that’s only when someone goes down on me, I will push back literally. Push their head away. I can’t handle it. Good kissing – and believe me there are plenty of bad kissers out there which I just don’t understand – oral and 69 are the closest I get to relaxing. But truth be told I will hold back when it gets more intense and I start to lose it more. Maybe I am just a control freak and can’t let go. I know that the intimacy of an orgasm does freak me out because I really don’t know these men that well, some more than others obviously. This last encounter makes me sad because I like him so much and I still couldn’t be physically intimate with him. Not fully. God I couldn’t even look at him during it. That is soooooooooooooooooo bad, not to mention pathetic.

Yeah Amy it's obvious: Just quit. Work on that writing career instead.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Sunshine Cleaning

Last Sunday I went to see a film after work, you know so I could say I did something for myself on the weekend. I went to see Sunshine Cleaning. I considered seeing it on my birthday but as I was taking the night off the job why remind myself about it? Pity, the film I picked instead just made me depressed about the world of entertainment. It was set in Hollywood but all the bullshit and slow negotiations seemed easily transferrable to my own experience with the local television industry.

Maybe I should have seen Sunshine Cleaning on my birthday. As we know my birthday is International Cleaners Day. (Someone has a cruel sense of humour). The film had everything; cleaning, tears, sisters, feeling useless, sex with married men, suicide. I totally understood the pain of her job. I was close to tears when she cried and she was often on the verge. At one point she was in a motel room being stood up and was reciting her little positive thinking mantra. She changes the last line to “I’m a loser” and bursts out laughing. I know exactly how she felt. (And the actress was an Amy A. too. Oh my God! Will the coincidences never end? LOL. Okay I’m being overly histrionic now).

Something else that struck me was when she said words similar to the following, “I’m good at being wanted, but not as a girlfriend or wife.” I’m not saying I’m wanted like her but when it does happen it does tend to be as a bit on the side. My last experience of that was only a few days before so I was feeling a bit raw and sensitive. I really like this man and have known him for years, but sex wasn’t a great idea. I can’t handle it. He was good about it. Didn’t force anything and we did talk most of the time and I enjoy that. I hope he feels we are still friends. I don’t think I was so bad that I’ve put him off sex for life or anything; probably just with me. Perhaps he even had sex with the wife that very night.

But I’m sidetracking now. There was more to the film then sex and affairs. Overall I thought it was very good even though it was painful. I was thinking it reminds me of another film, My Life Without Me. The star in that was a cleaner too. But that didn’t make me as sad at the time since I was still at uni and didn’t know that was my future. She finds out she’s going to die from a very progressive case of cancer so she makes a list of things to do before she goes. She also doesn’t tell her family to save their feelings. One of the things she does is have an affair since, if I remember correctly, she’s only been with her husband. I couldn’t help remembering that similarity.

So much pain and embarrassment in cleaning for a living. But really the sad thing is why didn’t I write this story? I know why. I’m too ashamed to admit my job to most people and let’s face it I’m a slacker when it comes to writing. (Have I started the Go Girl! script? No!) Too scared.

I am a loser.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Coming Clean

A little innuendo does the soul good. Yeah sure it does. It’s just getting harder and harder to come up with “clever” headings.

Woo hoo what a night! I finished work early, you’ve got to love that. I even managed to get the train home. Such a treat!

The best thing though is I found out I’ve been doing more work than I need to. So life could be good very soon. Ash, (poor man), who is taking over while my two other bosses are overseas on holidays, told me I don’t have to empty the individual bins. The people on the floor are supposed to. Now I had read signs about that somewhere but it didn’t seem to happen. Let’s go back to the post PNG example when the bins were close to overflowing.

I think you’re supposed to take that sign with a pinch of salt. Like in the kitchen there’s one about how they’re supposed to keep the area clean for everyone else after you’ve used it. The day I quit this job it’s going to be so hard to resist the urge to write something sarcastic in thick black permanent marker under that sign.

I reckon I’ll still have to empty the bins but perhaps I can save up the excitement a bit, make it a weekly or monthly occasion. Fuck! I’ve spoilt them on that floor, someone will complain. But for the time being it will make the shift end sooner. My God maybe even on time!

now have to work Sundays at the city baths as well. I found out that delightful piece of news on Tuesday. Margaret, (The Boss), told me it would be for a month – yes four weeks – but also said I’d need to do it until she comes back from holidays. I knew that was longer than a month and when I double checked I saw it was indeed six weeks. Agh! I had to double check this with her the following day. She wasn’t sure how long I’d have to work weekends but asked/told me to keeping going until I heard otherwise. Great!

Yes the money is good, or rather useful. (Double bubble on Sundays). But really no day off during the week? I’ve been working at the city baths on Saturday mornings for five weeks already. I’m not fond of that location. Never mind the people getting “fit” – yuck! LOL – or the constant steamy tropical temperature inside, or the not so friendly staff, or the fact that as I walk by the pool I’m full to the brim with envy that I don’t get to go swimming. No I just get bored there. I run out of things to do. I especially hate working there during the week on the day shift. I must say the weekend shift is much easier going. Two hours and it’s lunchtime. Hooray! It’s still a drag though.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Just Write Something!

You know I should be working on a script at the moment but as it’s not a paid gig I’m really unmotivated to do it. It came up when there was another halt to the television series. David – who for some reason believes in me - suggested I write a spec script to show around some other production companies. I told him I didn’t know what to write and he suggested writing up Know It All? from the Go Girl! series. They had already written a script treatment of it and as he pointed out there is dialogue in the book itself. Thus it’s a bit easier than making something up on my own. Still I’m a little freaked out to start.

I’ve written maybe two scripts in my life and neither were in a professional format. (I emailed David about how that was slowing me down and he said don’t worry that’s what secretaries are for. Just write it. He’s right but I’m still a slacker).

I’m too scared of failing to try. God! Realising that doesn’t help. If I do write it and it sucks, what then? If I do write it and it’s good but doesn’t get me any more work then why bother? But Amy if you do write it and it’s good what if it becomes an actual episode of Go Girl!? I hate building up hope. They’ve been dashed and bashed so many times before. I can admit that I’m not the bounce back from rejection type.

Oh for God’s sake just write something! At least then you can say you tried.