He asked me on the way back to the station if I felt better now I had decided not to go through with it but to be honest I didn’t. I’m angry with myself that I didn’t just do it and get it over with.
I’m too ugly. And even though this is one time when that could actually work in my favour I don’t really want to see myself that way, or think about myself like that.
It seems like more effort than it’s worth. But hey if it got me some work....GRR! I can’t help thinking that having photos in my profile is no guarantee of getting work. It’s fucked up.
I’m fucked up.
It’s not much of an excuse but I really wasn’t prepared for it today. I didn’t really like the clothes I threw together last night and I didn’t have much idea of what types of photos I wanted. If I hadn't been so self-conscious I probably would have laughed. At one level I can't take it seriously. But at the sometime I can't relax enough to enjoy it either. That goes for everything!
This has been a lot more complicated than I was expecting. I mean I’m just walking wallpaper why do I need all these stupid photos of me? It seems so unnecessary. I’m not intending to make a career out of this. It was meant to be a one-off thing. Something to write about in this stupid blog. As well as another chance to taste my dream; then get my hopes worked up and finally have them dashed again by Life or Fate.
What I hate the most is what this says about me. Why can’t I just do it? Why instead does it make me feel ridiculous and embarrassed? How can I get over it?
In the end perhaps this is just a good idea that’s gone bad.
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