Thursday, 21 January 2010

No Need To Rush

That's what one of my boss's told me and a fellow cleaner during a lecture on vacuuming and looking after our extension cords. They catch and tear a lot. It sucks – get it? That was terrible!

I have to laugh at that comment. What with all the overtime I do. I wanted to quit (again). I’m trying to work out when to hand in my notice. Got some birthdays coming up and I do like to give presents. Hmm. How can I leave without another job? I HATE being on the dole.

I sent David an email today. On Monday I had sent a text saying: After careless procrastination I’ve decided I’m not a scriptwriter. Thanks anyway, Amy. I was dreading getting an “Okay” reply. (So dismissive, so male, “okay”). It’s all right it didn’t happen, I didn’t hear anything from him. So I emailed him. That got a reply. I don’t know why I wrote this but I said I might run away with Terry; even though he’s old enough to be my father. Because what have I got to live for here? David said we should talk about it before I “run off with my chap.” Just about the scriptwriting I hope! God, how embarrassing would it be to talk about running away. I wouldn't do that to Terry. I'm a bitch but not that much. I'd only go live with him if that's what I truly wanted to do. At the moment the offer just feels like taking the easy way out, cheating.

I emailed David to say I was hasty and if he’s ignoring my text I’m willing to as well. I haven’t really given it a proper go yet. It really is too early to come to the conclusion that I can’t be a scriptwriter. He agreed. I also told him I won’t be getting it finished by the end of this month. I honestly have no idea how long it will take me to write a half hour script.

Is there any reason to rush? Saying "No" takes some arbitrary weight off me. It may take David longer to help me but once I’ve done it I’ll feel better about myself. And the way things stand it's not like Go Girl! is waiting for stories to shoot. The job I was offered was Script Supervisor not writer. Although if I was given the chance I'd go for it.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

In These Shoes?

I said "In these shoes? I doubt you'd survive." I said "Honey, let's do it. Let's stay right here."

Do you like them?

I’m not normally the kind of woman who gets excited by a new pair of shoes but these babies – hideous kinky, aren’t they? – got me through work last night. (I’ve been beating myself up before work for not getting on with my scriptwriting). You see they’re a bit extravagant, they’re not everyday shoes by far, so of course I have to justify buying them. (Annoyingly they were surrounded by shoes on sale but there was no red sticker, $10 off, these ones). Well they go well with a new red dress I bought. This dress I plan to wear at my sister’s birthday party next month. It’s fancy dress and I intend to go as Diana Ross, the Supremes Diana. I really feel like being glamorous and girlie at the moment. Just need to feel sexy? I don’t know. A distraction? I was smiling a lot to myself at work thinking how great I’ll look at this party. Singing Supreme songs as I worked, not always softly or in my head.

I was originally going to my sister’s party as the cute Michael Jackson of Jackson Five days. It’s easy to put together a mismatching 70s outfit. In fact last weekend we found a top I could wear at a vintage/recycled clothing store. I bought the top but I was really disappointed to give up on the Diana idea. I told myself this would be cheaper and I couldn’t get the perfect Diana wig I found online because they don’t ship outside of America. Well fuck it! There are ways around that. Being cute is fine but I really want to be sexy. LOL. An ego boost. I’ve been mistaken for a boy and man numerous times, and the last time wasn’t that long ago, so being ultra girlie appeals. Man I feel like a woman. Mind you only in the safe context and fantasy of a dress-up party at my auntie’s house. Not out on the town, God no! (Sorry, Terry I know you want to take me out in that dress. Although, now I have the shoes...maybe). Actually, this red dress was "justified" as something I could wear at an awards ceremony when Go Girl! makes good. "And best script for a children's television show goes to...." (It was also on sale).

I need a distraction. I started reading my script on the tram, the highlighted David version, and I couldn’t get past the first page. The corrections, although made with the best of intentions - (lessons rather than scolding) - and the way I was already feeling about the script, I found it devastating. My ego being kicked one too many times. I’m hoping, it being a new day, I won’t take the criticism so personally once I get back to re-reading my work. I know I have to remind myself this is a style of writing I’m not used to. And if it turns out I’m not good at it that doesn’t mean I’m a bad writer. I can’t stand this false optimism!

David said he’d be busy again in February whether or not that means he’ll have no time to help me I don’t know for sure. I’m letting January get away from me. Shit! I need to get down to some serious work on my script; or just let it go. Sad to say those shoes made me feel better after that tram ride into work. A new job would leave me ecstatic.

January 21 2010

P.S. I meant to add another justification for buying the wig. It's linked to the stuff above, about being mistaken for a man. With that wig - that's on it's way, woo hoo! - I could also pass for a drag queen. I already have my name: Glamour Ross. Perfect, no?

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Getting Lackey

I’ve been trying to get a new job since I can’t stand my cleaning one. I’ve been applying to stuff in television, when I can find it, or entry level things in retail or admin – where people with arts degrees go to forge a funky/alternative existence.

Last month in my random job search on Seek I came across a job for a Deputy Editor at Looking at the criteria I decided I could do most of those things, maybe fake the rest. It didn’t matter really as I found the ad after the due date but they had given a name and an email address of someone to apply to. A real person rather than the standard Seek procedure. Finally taking the advice of friends I decided I would apply to them directly, as a shit kicker. The office lackey, basically willing to do anything for some experience and a job that won't embarrass me. In the original ad they asked for a sample of writing. I collected some posts on cleaning from this blog. Although I realise now that Lust And Dust would have better examples of how much I hate cleaning. I did this last night and I don’t really know what to expect. I very rarely hear from anyone when I send off resumes. (And I don’t send off enough of them!) It was worth a shot anyway.

In the meantime I haven't done much with my script. I was tempted to send David an email saying I don't think I am a writer and thanks for the help anyway. I'm glad I didn't send that. Yesterday on my way to work I re-read the script treatment and it's not a bad story. It does seem like a bit of work though. I keep staying up late and getting up late so I fuck myself over and don't get much of anything done before work. Fear of failure if ever I saw it. I should at least take the first step and re-read my script. David's already seen that and gone through it with yellow highlighter. He didn't tell me to give up then. But I'm still scared it will lead to nothing.

In a book shop near work I've found a special Go Girl! bag that comes with two books I've already read. I sort of want that bag, like a good luck charm. I also saw an Oscar the Grouch toy I think I could attach to my back pack. I thought, "Which one am I? The cleaner or the script writer?"

Is it too obvious to say I’m lacking something?