Thursday, 26 November 2009

Dear John

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Hmm, yes, perhaps she does. I keep saying how much I don’t enjoy sex. I sure as hell keep telling the three unwise men I don’t think they should bother pursuing it with me. But has it really been all that bad? So I don’t orgasm – not as far as I can tell anyway - even on my solo efforts. (Could they be weak orgasms? I have no idea but I do find it disappointing. I’ve even cried afterwards on occasion. Thinking how pathetic, lonely and sad that experience was). And I’ve been “forced” into a few things I didn’t really want to do and feel guilty about as a result. Methinks she’s starting to protest again!

When people in chat ask, “Do you like sex?” I say “No.” It’s true I don’t enjoy it much, but I have had a few good times. I may not reach orgasm but I do enjoy other aspects of the experience. Namely kissing and oral; yep I’m all about the mouth!

I’ve been very frank on my past sexual experiences of late. Only in chat I mean. That’s turned on a few men. So has this photo of me dressed up for my auntie’s recent 50th birthday.

I love this photo. It’s been my profile pic on and off. The requests for blow jobs whilst I’m in that get up....! I guess I’m just not into fantasy that much. The red lipstick is hot, but a nun giving you a blow job? I guess it’s the “wrongness” of it. Considering how much I hate to be naked, even in front of myself, the dress-up thing could work out great for me. Keep thinking outside the square. [And if you are the square? Then you best fuck someone else. I’m a dud!]

Recently I was up late enough to chat with Johnny in Perth. I met him in April when he was visiting Melbourne. We spent the night together and although it took me a little while to relax, and almost a full bottle of white wine, I did enjoy my time with him. We talked for a while first, over the wine. Then I went to sit on his bed, warm, tipsy and a little tired. (We caught up after my shift that night). He joined me on the bed, I think after I decided to fall back and relax. (It’s now or never Johnny!) He made the first move, the first caress, followed by the first kiss.

Whenever we chat he talks about that night. He has fond memories of me falling asleep on his chest as we cuddled up. The next morning I had no sense of the time since the light coming through the window wasn’t very strong. We kissed and played some more. It was fun. Being sober again I wasn’t keen to get out of bed and into the shower but I thought it best. He got to admire my bum, which is the other thing he likes to mention when we chat. We didn’t have sex – no condoms - but we kissed and gave each other a lot of oral. It did feel good being with him. He tried so hard to make me cum, because and I quote, “You deserve it.” If memory serves I didn’t make him cum either.

My ability to orgasm is still debatable. I do get many offers in chat of, “Let me try,” and “I bet I can make you cum babe.” I can’t accept them all and frankly I think it’s just me! You have to relax and feel sexy. I am incapable of both those things. (Well I did think I looked hot as a nun but being me I hid with my teenage cousin, her friend and my sister in the living room while the grown-ups, including dirty old inebriated men, where out the back where the real party was happening).

Yes, John was good. There was another man who wasn’t too bad and I was able to feel comfortable with. I invited him over the day we met online – I never do that. We must have just clicked somehow. I talked to him on the phone first. I remember him saying, “Wow you’ve made me cum three times today.” Shit I’ve forgotten his name but I think it was John as well. He was cute, not really “hot,” but cuddly and sweet. Doing 69 with him was pretty good. That’s one of my favourite positions.

A rather predictable and tedious question I get in chat. I only chat because I am bored and haven’t got much to do while I’m waiting for work to start. I find it very depressing and annoying but I do it anyway, because it is easy. I have made some friends but they’re not usually around when I am; adding to the pitfalls of living and working outside of “normal” hours. It hasn’t been much of a sex life but without chat there wouldn’t be one at all. Hmm another clue as to why I dislike it so much?

Golly I nearly forgot about a third John I've known. I think he was the third man I ever had sex with. I do remember it was very early on in my "Yes-I'm-going-to-meet-strangers-for-sex-from-the-net-now-because-I'm-too-old-to-be-a-virgin-anymore," stage. I did lose my virginity late. Not an ideal experience, but I'm not going into it right now. It's just once I started I sort of got addicted in that I felt horny and really wanted the experience. It was never very romantic or satisfying and that is one reason I've (almost) stopped in the last two years or so.

Back to third John. He wasn't great looking but man he could kiss and somehow I just felt comfortable with him. I was still shy to be naked and sexually intimate with him - I don't know how that will ever change. Perhaps meeting someone and forming a relationship but then the awkwardness of the Ash encounter keeps rearing its disappointing head. (Ooh an accidental pun! Though not really as Ash and I didn't have oral sex). This John made me laugh when we were together. The sex felt all right. I didn't orgasm but I felt more then I usually do. The kissing and oral was great! I did have one experience where I burst out crying when we were in bed together. I forget what he said that made me feel so bad but I just couldn't help it. I was very sulky and he left soon after. That may have been our last time together. I can't remember. We bump into each other in chat from time to time. He's still happy to get together for sex but it hasn't happened. I don't know, it may have reached the stage where he's given up on me. Oh well.

A rather predictable and tedious question I get in chat. I only chat because I am bored and haven’t got much to do while I’m waiting for work to start. I find it very depressing and annoying but I do it anyway, because it is easy. I have made some friends but they’re not usually around when I am; adding to the pitfalls of living and working outside of “normal” hours. It hasn’t been much of a sex life but without chat there wouldn’t be one at all. Hmm another clue as to why I dislike it so much?

Since I’ve forgotten the point of this piece I should wrap things up. I think I should stick with what I am good at and not worry so much about sex any more. There’s other pleasures out there; sexual and otherwise.

My love to the Johns out there! What an unfortunate or appropriate, depending on your sensibilities and opinions of me and my actions, name. That is I, Amy, acted like a whore and what self-respecting whore would be without a John? That came out less smoothly than I hoped but you get what I mean. You've got to laugh.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

To Do Or Not To Do?

I got an email from a friend today thanking me for a “crazy” present I sent her. In it she made a passing comment about not wasting time with married men. It has been on my mind, that’s for sure! Although I wouldn’t say I’m against it. She wrote, “You can do better than that girlie so believe in it and let it happen!” That intrigues me because lately I’ve been thinking about how much I don’t believe in romance and true love. That is fidelity. Maybe I’m getting it wrong and it isn’t the same thing anyway. I mean there’s Ash and his open relationship. Logically I think it makes the most sense. But at the same time I wonder how logical love is? I mean isn’t that partly what makes it exciting? And I can’t help remembering chatting to Ash one night when his missus had someone over for sex. He was drunk and pissed off. Can you help getting jealous even though you’ve made the decision as a couple to see other people? We’re all so complicated.

My experience in Edinburgh – just a fling, but so many lies! It still upsets me. - has ruined the idea of relationships. I mean at the time I couldn’t see how it would work out, long distance and all that, but maybe a little part of me was flattered and wooed. I’m surrounded by people cheating. People I like too. Not sure I should encourage their cheating though. Can you still be friends though? I hope so.

Cheating, or wanting to cheat, seems so natural to me that I can’t help thinking what is the point of being in a relationship? I have formed connections and friendships with some of these men. Being hopeless at sex I have to say I enjoy the friendships a lot more. Being the other woman does put you in an interesting position. Yes, mostly an unfair one. Then get your OWN man Amy! Well yes, but he’ll get bored and possibly cheat too. I might get bored as well. Would I cheat? I would like to think I wouldn’t. You never know until you’re in the situation though, obviously. That’s why an open relationship seems like the best option. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is perfect. However at the moment it seems the fairest way to go about it.

Now I’m wondering if I was in a relationship would I express my views on having an “open” one. It does tend to lack romance. Maybe passion is more important – variety is the spice of life! Why fight biology, we want to experience more than one person. Well, I’m not really in a position to talk much deeper about any of this. I’m not thrilled with being a bit on the side but lately I think of the men I’m with more as friends. I haven’t sought out a fling in ages - well actually they find me. I just haven't accepted in a while. There's not much point as far as I can see. I’m too shy and lacking in confidence for it to be worth it for either of us. I mean my men get me, more or less. And unless they’re pulling my leg they seem to like me for me and enjoy my company. Aww nice! Smirk. That’ll do.

- The one and only, single me.

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Tongue Sandwich

Unfortunately a “tongue sandwich” is not what I thought or hoped it was. I just thought it was another bit of slang for “French kissing.” Nah! Shit...well quite.

tongue sandwich
  1. colloq.
    To lick or suck the anus.
  2. Usually as a prelude to fucking, to lubricate with saliva the anus.
  3. To widen the opening of the anus with the tongue.
    See also: rim
I swear that’s not the context I’ve heard it in. I found one site that said it was kissing with tongues, (what I wanted), but the overwhelming results is for anal-oral sex, primarily amongst gay men. Most sites being “Gay Slang.” Though I’m sure many women do it too to other women or men. Not me though. It is the last thing I’d ever want to do, or for that matter have done to me. That’s just my own personal feelings about the anus and anal related activities. Fingering it or being fingered - no thank you! I just can’t get the shit out of the way.

This is a bit annoying. I thought I had a clever way of discussing an absolutely yummy sandwich I had for lunch with Garry and the kissing that took place afterward. Perhaps another time when I can get my thoughts together.
I am also annoyed that I’m not with it. I thought I was so down with gay culture.