Wednesday, 11 July 2012
Earlier this year I applied for a job at Channel 7. From the description it was basically data entry and a good foot-in-the-door. I'd recently finished at Sensis so I thought "Why not?" I was shocked to get an interview. Fuckin' devastated to not make it to the second round. (I thought I'd done reasonably at the interview). Omigod it was SO cool being there. Just like a movie, as I texted my sister.
So last night I see the job re-advertised, slightly different and perhaps better job description but basically asking for the same thing. I reapplied and now I'm thinking was that a dumb idea? All I can think is I'd be better prepared if I made it to the interview again.
Friday, 11 November 2011
I’m feeling okay. Bit of period pain but not feeling too crazy. Not from that anyway.
I don’t know if I’m feeling better or just don’t give a shit about work any more. Like I’m not going to let it get me down. Shit happens and a lot of things are out of my hands. I’m not going to say it doesn’t upset or annoy me getting stuck on orders. Oh fuck it’s probably Friday talking. I can taste the weekend. It would be sweeter if I had someone or something to do after work. I did text a couple of guys but the one who replied is busy. (Must stop taking that as a personal affront. Still, can’t help feeling a little rejected). I’m seeing some of my friends tomorrow for lunch so that might make me feel a bit loved. The white wine might relax me too.
Thursday, 27 October 2011
This is the first time I’ve been in an office situation long enough to even think about it. I’ve thought/dreamt about the guy who quality checks my work but it wasn’t romantically. Not really. I mean I once dreamt we were in bed together but we weren’t doing anything naughty or interesting. In fact all I can remember now is I kept checking to see if he was still asleep because I wanted to go for a wee without him hearing. In the morning I thought, this is about work not lust. Rather me wanting to be able to do my job without his help; or at least more independently than I am at the moment. I do hate needing to ask for help and unfortunately I don't, or not right away. I HAVE to though. Been told numerous times.
In training I was told that office romances happen but so far I haven’t noticed anything. Maybe some flirting but I’ve never been good at picking up on that and I can’t report any flirting aimed at me. Everyone seems younger than me anyway and that’s not really my style. I should be flattered but…early twenties freaks me out! I don’t want to be seen or perceived as a Cougar at thirty-one! I don’t feel like being a “teacher” to these younger men because I don’t think I’ve got the experience. (Such nice bodies though. Sigh!) At the other end of the scale I don’t want to seem like a mail order bride, (good time not to be Asian or Eastern European looking), or a sweet-tooth with her sugar daddy when I’m seen with older men either. It’s like I’ve always wondered? Why aren’t I good enough for men my own age? (Some older men’s bodies are all right but they don’t always work as well as they used to).
This is really straying from the topic now but I want a baby. I always did but now that I’m older it doesn’t feel like something I can put off as easily. My cousin had a baby a couple of weeks ago. That’s me and him below. And the daughter of one of my mum’s best friends had a baby nearly two months ago. Some of my friends have babies now and I love them all. My dad’s death has made me think about it more as well. One of the first things I thought after I was told he died was that he should have been a grandfather. My mother seems keen on becoming a grandmother. She says she needs someone new to pour her love into, to paraphrase. She also wants to have the energy to enjoy grandchildren. I know I want one but I don't know how it will happen. I mean it doesn't seem like a possibility at the moment. And yeah, that gets me down a bit.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Something has happened. Either I've stopped letting the stress get to me OR I'm getting better at my job. No! It's not either of those. I'll telling asking for help does help; but only a little! I feel quite good when I finish an order and hand it in to be QC'd (aka Quality Checked). But then you get it back with a list of things you need to fix. That feels like a kick in the guts. It shakes my confidence that I've actually learnt anything. I suspect I'm being too hard on myself but if I'm honest I don't think I'm working hard enough.
Perhaps I have a fear of failure. I'll ask my therapist. She'll know. She should by now! Part of me is thinking I'm sitting here waiting to be fired. We sort of talked about that. But the way she saw it was I was jumping from one point, a newly trained employee still on probation, straight to you're fired! Sure I guess I would be getting messages explicit or implicit from my SMEs or Team Leader that there was a problem before they told me to rack off. According to my one-on-two session, (with Rhett and Sas the SME), I'm not doing that badly. I may not work as fast as some but I am working etc. (Yeah...kinda). And I'm not the only that's on the slow end of the spectrum. They reassure me that the lost feeling I have is totally normal. And they pointed out I don't ask for help that often. That's when I broke. I've been brutally honest about how I feel I'm doing since day one. Some may say to my detriment. But I figure why lie? It's not going to take long for them to figure out I can't do my work. I told them how hard I find it to ask, being shy and all.
The whole session has helped. It took off some of the pressure I had put myself under, although I still think some of it was valid. It felt like an introduction which is partly what I needed. I don't know these people I'm meant to be getting help from. Sas said I could email her any time if that helps. I decided to go straight to her which was good for me. Have emailed but find it less useful.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
I actually miss cleaning - bite my tongue! In that at least I knew what I was doing and could get on with it. I don't know why I can't ask. I know it's all right to and perfectly understandable but something is blocking me. I don't really want to go over this in therapy again. Thinking inward repression my have to be my damaging route for the time being. I've told Terry that I don't want to talk about work with him any more. He got pissed off with me the night before when I rang him and repeatedly said I can't do it. I've been wondering today if anxiety pills would help at all. I could ask the therapist that. I do like this therapist but I'm starting to feel like my life is crap. The whole process can get you down. It can make me dwell on bad things.
Monday, 22 August 2011
I’m such a phony; then again maybe not. I mean I’m not claiming to know what I’m doing or to be any good at it. It’s about half way through day three of “being on the floor,” which just means training is over and the rest of this six month contract is work, with a probation period in the middle. (I forget how long that is).WORST FEAR: That I won’t make it through probation. RESULT: My self-esteem goes for a bungee jump without the bungee chord. It’s okay though, I’m back in therapy so it’s only metaphorical suicide I’d be committing.
Even the money – which I need quite badly – doesn’t seem that good now. It’s heaps more than cleaning but partly because it’s more hours rather than a better rate. I think I’m one of the few people from my training group who has to suffer the bite in my pay packet from the HECS monster. At $49 a week the government’s gonna own my arse for the rest of my life! Bastards! On the bright side it does make me feel a bit more grown up. So far in my work life I’ve only had one other job that paid enough to make it necessary to pay HECS. (That job lasted a week in the end). I can get pissed off with my friends who also went to uni and are “suffering” the consequences.
I rang my mum near the end of my second day telling her how lost I was feeling. She sounded a bit pissed off with me. The tone of her voice as if to say, Don’t fuck this up Amy! I admit I do get panicky with new situations but a little sympathy please. Granted she’s under a lot of financial pressure. The regular doom and gloom of being low income coupled with the savings gobbling price of rent has been made worse by my father’s recent passing. Didn’t help any that he lived overseas and we decided we had to go. I know owe my mother money for the trip over. And she in turn owes family and friends money. Her safety net is gone. One day we may get money from the will but it’s not much compensation. Especially emotionally.
My biggest problem with the job is being too shy and stupid to ask for help when I need it. I can’t help but feel like a moron because when I do ask for help it’s not long before I need more! I know it’s my lack of experience but when I look at my work I can’t always tell if I’m finished or not. There are all these hyperlinks and codes. AGH! And sometimes you feel like you’re going around in circles.
I actually told my therapist this would be my biggest hurdle; asking for help. Even though I know it’s not a bad thing I still find it hard to do it. She said to remind myself it’s okay to ask; that it’s expected, especially at this stage of the job, and to tell myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” I know, I know, I know, BUT! I can’t…. I’m seeing her tomorrow morning. I’ll get to confess but I won’t feel any better.