Dear John

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Hmm, yes, perhaps she does. I keep saying how much I don’t enjoy sex. I sure as hell keep telling the three unwise men I don’t think they should bother pursuing it with me. But has it really been all that bad? So I don’t orgasm – not as far as I can tell anyway - even on my solo efforts. (Could they be weak orgasms? I have no idea but I do find it disappointing. I’ve even cried afterwards on occasion. Thinking how pathetic, lonely and sad that experience was). And I’ve been “forced” into a few things I didn’t really want to do and feel guilty about as a result. Methinks she’s starting to protest again!

When people in chat ask, “Do you like sex?” I say “No.” It’s true I don’t enjoy it much, but I have had a few good times. I may not reach orgasm but I do enjoy other aspects of the experience. Namely kissing and oral; yep I’m all about the mouth!

I’ve been very frank on my past sexual experiences of late. Only in chat I mean. That’s turned on a few men. So has this photo of me dressed up for my auntie’s recent 50^th birthday.

I love this photo. It’s been my profile pic on and off. The requests for blow jobs whilst I’m in that get up....! I guess I’m just not into fantasy that much. The red lipstick is hot, but a nun giving you a blow job? I guess it’s the “wrongness” of it. Considering how much I hate to be naked, even in front of myself, the dress-up thing could work out great for me. Keep thinking outside the square. [And if you are the square? Then you best fuck someone else. I’m a dud!]

Recently I was up late enough to chat with Johnny in Perth. I met him in April when he was visiting Melbourne. We spent the night together and although it took me a little while to relax, and almost a full bottle of white wine, I did enjoy my time with him. We talked for a while first, over the wine. Then I went to sit on his bed, warm, tipsy and a little tired. (We caught up after my shift that night). He joined me on the bed, I think after I decided to fall back and relax. (It’s now or never Johnny!) He made the first move, the first caress, followed by the first kiss.

Whenever we chat he talks about that night. He has fond memories of me falling asleep on his chest as we cuddled up. The next morning I had no sense of the time since the light coming through the window wasn’t very strong. We kissed and played some more. It was fun. Being sober again I wasn’t keen to get out of bed and into the shower but I thought it best. He got to admire my bum, which is the other thing he likes to mention when we chat. We didn’t have sex – no condoms - but we kissed and gave each other a lot of oral. It did feel good being with him. He tried so hard to make me cum, because and I quote, “You deserve it.” If memory serves I didn’t make him cum either.

My ability to orgasm is still debatable. I do get many offers in chat of, “Let me try,” and “I bet I can make you cum babe.” I can’t accept them all and frankly I think it’s just me! You have to relax and feel sexy. I am incapable of both those things. (Well I did think I looked hot as a nun but being me I hid with my teenage cousin, her friend and my sister in the living room while the grown-ups, including dirty old inebriated men, where out the back where the real party was happening).

Yes, John was good. There was another man who wasn’t too bad and I was able to feel comfortable with. I invited him over the day we met online – I never do that. We must have just clicked somehow. I talked to him on the phone first. I remember him saying, “Wow you’ve made me cum three times today.” Shit I’ve forgotten his name but I think it was John as well. He was cute, not really “hot,” but cuddly and sweet. Doing 69 with him was pretty good. That’s one of my favourite positions.

A rather predictable and tedious question I get in chat. I only chat because I am bored and haven’t got much to do while I’m waiting for work to start. I find it very depressing and annoying but I do it anyway, because it is easy. I have made some friends but they’re not usually around when I am; adding to the pitfalls of living and working outside of “normal” hours. It hasn’t been much of a sex life but without chat there wouldn’t be one at all. Hmm another clue as to why I dislike it so much?

Golly I nearly forgot about a third John I've known. I think he was the third man I ever had sex with. I do remember it was very early on in my "Yes-I'm-going-to-meet-strangers-for-sex-from-the-net-now-because-I'm-too-old-to-be-a-virgin-anymore," stage. I did lose my virginity late. Not an ideal experience, but I'm not going into it right now. It's just once I started I sort of got addicted in that I felt horny and really wanted the experience. It was never very romantic or satisfying and that is one reason I've (almost) stopped in the last two years or so.

Back to third John. He wasn't great looking but man he could kiss and somehow I just felt comfortable with him. I was still shy to be naked and sexually intimate with him - I don't know how that will ever change. Perhaps meeting someone and forming a relationship but then the awkwardness of the Ash encounter keeps rearing its disappointing head. (Ooh an accidental pun! Though not really as Ash and I didn't have oral sex). This John made me laugh when we were together. The sex felt all right. I didn't orgasm but I felt more then I usually do. The kissing and oral was great! I did have one experience where I burst out crying when we were in bed together. I forget what he said that made me feel so bad but I just couldn't help it. I was very sulky and he left soon after. That may have been our last time together. I can't remember. We bump into each other in chat from time to time. He's still happy to get together for sex but it hasn't happened. I don't know, it may have reached the stage where he's given up on me. Oh well.

A rather predictable and tedious question I get in chat. I only chat because I am bored and haven’t got much to do while I’m waiting for work to start. I find it very depressing and annoying but I do it anyway, because it is easy. I have made some friends but they’re not usually around when I am; adding to the pitfalls of living and working outside of “normal” hours. It hasn’t been much of a sex life but without chat there wouldn’t be one at all. Hmm another clue as to why I dislike it so much?

Since I’ve forgotten the point of this piece I should wrap things up. I think I should stick with what I am good at and not worry so much about sex any more. There’s other pleasures out there; sexual and otherwise.

My love to the Johns out there! What an unfortunate or appropriate, depending on your sensibilities and opinions of me and my actions, name. That is I, Amy, acted like a whore and what self-respecting whore would be without a John? That came out less smoothly than I hoped but you get what I mean. You've got to laugh.