Office Life

Oh my God! Everyone knows your business at work. I've just had a chat with the security guard about my dad. He gave me his condolences. Holy Moley! I was freaked out just the other day when I went into the kitchen and he greeted me by my first name. (I only think I know what his is). And here I was thinking I'm all on my own in my little corner of the floor. Life's weird.

More Work

I emailed my SME for more work today. And what I wrote was: Can I get a new job? The joke was not lost on me but I wonder if she got it?

Something has happened. Either I've stopped letting the stress get to me OR I'm getting better at my job. No! It's not either of those. I'll telling asking for help does help; but only a little! I feel quite good when I finish an order and hand it in to be QC'd (aka Quality Checked). But then you get it back with a list of things you need to fix. That feels like a kick in the guts. It shakes my confidence that I've actually learnt anything. I suspect I'm being too hard on myself but if I'm honest I don't think I'm working hard enough.

Perhaps I have a fear of failure. I'll ask my therapist. She'll know. She should by now! Part of me is thinking I'm sitting here waiting to be fired. We sort of talked about that. But the way she saw it was I was jumping from one point, a newly trained employee still on probation, straight to you're fired! Sure I guess I would be getting messages explicit or implicit from my SMEs or Team Leader that there was a problem before they told me to rack off. According to my one-on-two session, (with Rhett and Sas the SME), I'm not doing that badly. I may not work as fast as some but I am working etc. (Yeah...kinda). And I'm not the only that's on the slow end of the spectrum. They reassure me that the lost feeling I have is totally normal. And they pointed out I don't ask for help that often. That's when I broke. I've been brutally honest about how I feel I'm doing since day one. Some may say to my detriment. But I figure why lie? It's not going to take long for them to figure out I can't do my work. I told them how hard I find it to ask, being shy and all.

The whole session has helped. It took off some of the pressure I had put myself under, although I still think some of it was valid. It felt like an introduction which is partly what I needed. I don't know these people I'm meant to be getting help from. Sas said I could email her any time if that helps. I decided to go straight to her which was good for me. Have emailed but find it less useful.

Frankly My Dear

He didn’t say anything but I was caught on Facebook and possibly Hotmail at work today by one of the SMEs. (Yeah I can’t remember what that stands for except Expert). Just one of the go-to people before you bug the Team Leader. The TL is called Rhett Butler. Would you believe? I knew it was a famous name from pop culture but I had to look it up to remind myself. Gone with the bloody Wind. Frankly my dear I do give a damn! Apparently he’s really laid back. (A team mate and gossip buddy of mine used to work with him. Judging from a Facebook photo they’re not bad friends). Tall and cute in a dressed casual sort of way. He likes his football though. L And frankly my dear I DON’T give a damn about that!

It’s not that we’re banned from going on to these sites, or the net in general, it’s just that as newcomers we have to earn the right. To the best of my ability I did earn it the first day but never again since. I do it anyway as I get bored and frustrated and as in the previous post I don’t ask for help so when I can’t get on with my work I need something to do!

(Some one to do at the moment would be all right at well. It’s been a while. The last time I was touched by a man was a kiss on the cheek to say goodbye and good luck. This was the night before we started this job for real. Golly; that wet warmth was nice, however brief. By the way he’s the flirtiest and only married person in our group. He has this habit of winking when he talks to you. I’m going to stereotype him and say it’s part of his South American and Latin charm. That is to suggest it is his way rather than any particular interest in me. I thought he had blue eyes but today when the sunlight caught them I discovered they glowed like honey).

I'm too scared to talk to Rhett. In fact it took me ages to talk to Miguel the aforementioned SME and the guy Q Cing my work, that's Quality Checking people. He's checked one and it needs a rework. I still have my doubts any of this is every going to make sense.

It’s weird though, being caught, because it’s broken the ice. I went up to ask a question and it felt all right. Maybe it was because he came around and offered the help. I don’t know, but as long as that mental block of mine is gone who cares! Sing Hallelujah! The more I over hear the new people the more I see how we’re all in the same boat. That only gives me comfort when I'm still thinking rationally but once I get in a state I just think, "They're going to get rid of me they're going to get rid of me!"

I actually miss cleaning - bite my tongue! In that at least I knew what I was doing and could get on with it. I don't know why I can't ask. I know it's all right to and perfectly understandable but something is blocking me. I don't really want to go over this in therapy again. Thinking inward repression my have to be my damaging route for the time being. I've told Terry that I don't want to talk about work with him any more. He got pissed off with me the night before when I rang him and repeatedly said I can't do it. I've been wondering today if anxiety pills would help at all. I could ask the therapist that. I do like this therapist but I'm starting to feel like my life is crap. The whole process can get you down. It can make me dwell on bad things.

Don't Ask

I’m such a phony; then again maybe not. I mean I’m not claiming to know what I’m doing or to be any good at it. It’s about half way through day three of “being on the floor,” which just means training is over and the rest of this six month contract is work, with a probation period in the middle. (I forget how long that is).WORST FEAR: That I won’t make it through probation. RESULT: My self-esteem goes for a bungee jump without the bungee chord. It’s okay though, I’m back in therapy so it’s only metaphorical suicide I’d be committing.

Even the money – which I need quite badly – doesn’t seem that good now. It’s heaps more than cleaning but partly because it’s more hours rather than a better rate. I think I’m one of the few people from my training group who has to suffer the bite in my pay packet from the HECS monster. At $49 a week the government’s gonna own my arse for the rest of my life! Bastards! On the bright side it does make me feel a bit more grown up. So far in my work life I’ve only had one other job that paid enough to make it necessary to pay HECS. (That job lasted a week in the end). I can get pissed off with my friends who also went to uni and are “suffering” the consequences.

I rang my mum near the end of my second day telling her how lost I was feeling. She sounded a bit pissed off with me. The tone of her voice as if to say, Don’t fuck this up Amy! I admit I do get panicky with new situations but a little sympathy please. Granted she’s under a lot of financial pressure. The regular doom and gloom of being low income coupled with the savings gobbling price of rent has been made worse by my father’s recent passing. Didn’t help any that he lived overseas and we decided we had to go. I know owe my mother money for the trip over. And she in turn owes family and friends money. Her safety net is gone. One day we may get money from the will but it’s not much compensation. Especially emotionally.

My biggest problem with the job is being too shy and stupid to ask for help when I need it. I can’t help but feel like a moron because when I do ask for help it’s not long before I need more! I know it’s my lack of experience but when I look at my work I can’t always tell if I’m finished or not. There are all these hyperlinks and codes. AGH! And sometimes you feel like you’re going around in circles.

I actually told my therapist this would be my biggest hurdle; asking for help. Even though I know it’s not a bad thing I still find it hard to do it. She said to remind myself it’s okay to ask; that it’s expected, especially at this stage of the job, and to tell myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” I know, I know, I know, BUT! I can’t…. I’m seeing her tomorrow morning. I’ll get to confess but I won’t feel any better.

Transition

On Friday June 10th I was offered a new job doing data entry for the Sensis branch of Telstra. Of all the jobs I’ve applied to recently that was the last one I thought I’d have a chance with. When I got the call over a week ago I had to say I didn’t remember applying. I didn’t even send a cover letter which shows I really had no hopes for it. It’s an entry level position and comes with training. I can only assume the training was the thing that caught my eye.

At first I was told it would start in July but at the interview she realised she had made a mistake and the role she had in mind for me starts on June 27^th. Fuck! It’s all happening so fast. My current boss gave me a glowing reference but now that I told her I have to resign she sounds a bit pissed off. I am giving her notice. But I don’t know if that means I’ll have a bit of overlap with the new job. That’s going to be hard. I’m willing to work up to and including the Monday my new job starts but Tuesday might be stretching it too far. I won’t have any time to sleep! I should have handed it in today. I would of yesterday but it was a public holiday. It’s giving me a bit of a headache.

It’s a funny world but someone I was thinking of calling today ended up calling me. He even asked if there were any shifts at my work. I said, “Yeah mine!” Explaining I’d been offered this new job. I told him how my boss seemed a bit pissed off but if he puts his hand up today or tomorrow it might make things a bit smoother between me and the boss in my last few days. Here’s bloody hoping! I actually talked to the recruiter today saying I was running out of time to give my proper notice. It’s sorted now and I am bloody well starting on the 27^th. I realise how hard it is for them to get a replacement and I wouldn’t leave them in the lurch – I think that’s what she thought I was doing – even after telling her I wasn’t she seemed annoyed. I’ve known her for ages and she knows I never wanted to do cleaning so I was a bit disappointed that she wasn’t happy for me. I hope it’s more the suddenness of it all that’s upset her. (I hate people being mad at me!)

My new hours will be 3 to 11pm. Not quite the “day” job I was hoping for but much better in a lot of ways than my current one. It’s a six month contract but full time hours. It’s going to make a huge difference on my resume and to be honest my self-esteem. I’ve always hated telling people what I do.

“Fantastic!”

Less then a week to go now and I might actually get what I really, really, want for my birthday, a new job! I got a call for an interview for a data entry job I don't really remember applying for. That was last Friday. I just missed the call on my mobile and there was a message about a data entry job and to call back if I was still interested. Well easier said than done as the phone number came up as blocked. Luckily for me they also said who the recruiting company was. On a bit of a whim I went online to look the company up and then sent off an email explaining how I missed the call. I really did not expect them to get back to me as you can probably tell:

Sorry to disturb but I got a miss call from a private number then a text message from Garth(?) about an advertising data specialist role. I've been applying to a few places and can't honestly remember this job also I'm not sure if the call was for me or someone called "Benny." I use Seek but can't work out which job it might have been. It's probably all a mistake, sorry. I was seconds from picking up the phone it's just got me curious now.

Lo and behold they did ring back. I admitted again that I didn’t really recall this job having applied to a few recently. I imagine when I did apply I didn’t expect to hear from them. I had a nice little chat with the woman who’d called earlier and she said if I had access to a computer and the Net I could go on to the next stage which was a couple of tests. Speed/Accuracy and a general computer knowledge quiz. It took me a while to get the link and account set up and once I did I found out I needed a printer. Bugger! I sent another email but it was already 5 o’clock by then. I told Terry my dilemma and he offered to pay me back if I went out and bought one over the weekend. Seemed a bit much for me, (she says typing on the new laptop he bought me. I told him he shouldn’t have bought that as well!) My dad ended up buying me a printer/scanner. (Bloody hooked to the scanner! But I’m straying). When I finally took the test on Sunday afternoon I was SURE I had been too slow. So I was down and depressed and feeling quite shitty about going into work on Monday. (I've been feeling shitty and depressed lately anyway. That might sound normal but I mean really down).

I don’t know why it is but I’ve heard back from most of the people I’ve applied to and I only just started looking for work again. Last Friday I had an interview for a casual cleaning job with Spotless, (again!) It’s at a busy city train station and I opted for day shift availability. I don’t know what possessed me. Those are the exact, public, conditions I hate when I’m cleaning. Another whim slash desperation. Besides fucking up and getting there a bit late I think my interview went well. After all I sure know what I’m talking about! I might be hearing from them tomorrow. I assume only if I got the job. I’m okay if I don’t. I want to get away from cleaning! Remember?

Yesterday I went into Red Bee Media for some different tests. They do captioning work, in real time, so you can imagine you'd have to be amazingly fast at typing. I applied for a job here a couple or more years ago and I know what the tests are like. First proofreading of a news story that had been transcribed then a timed test writing captions for a documentary and a drama. I really doubt I’m any faster or better at spelling this time round but I thought I might as well go in.

Anyway I got the call for the data entry interview on the tram ride into Red Bee so that perked me up enormously. I still have my doubts about Red Bee and don't know why I agreed to come in. (Something to do of a Wednesday morning perhaps?) I'm not being negative, rather realistic. I'm not that fast a typist and a pretty shit speller.

Speaking of speed I still can't believe I passed the data entry tests. She said my results were "Fantastic." I'll show up Friday morning only to be told it was all a mistake. They're SO sorry! Can we get you a coffee at least? Okay, that's being negative!!!

Later that Wednesday....

Well the Red Bee test was rather fun. (And a wee bit familiar). Still not so sure about my speed or spelling but I did enjoy it. Nice Scottish man there and the people in the background sounded nice. He said he'd let me know how I went either way. And I remember they did last time I went in. I remember getting the call because it was during my lunch time when I was at Foxtel doing data entry and customer service. That was a disaster! For now though I'm happy. It’s amazing but that phone call for tomorrow (Friday’s) interview changed my whole world; turned me completely around. Of course I still might not get the job but to my mind I’ve soared across the hardest hurdle. We shall see! And I’ll enjoy this good feeling as long as I can.

NQR HNT (WTF?)

For one thing it's no longer Thursday, at least not in this part of the world. However I'm not waiting another week to post this.

I don't find the photo sexy at all, but it being me I wouldn't! It was more of a joke in my mind, a spoof of a moment in a movie I liked as a teenager. In the film Empire Records the employees find out the store is in danger of losing it's cool indie status and being swallowed up by The Man. Damn the man as they say themselves. They find the new uniforms, gross orange aprons and a list of what employees may or may not wear. The fairly-soon-to-be-famous Renee Zellweger playing the film's slut character has a rebelling scene in which she wears the new uniform with only her sexy, lacy black bra and panties on saying, "And they said no revealing clothing."
  

We've had OUR new aprons for, gosh, a couple of months already. I was so disappointed when I found out you had either a choice of wearing that or a yellow and blue hi vis shirt. Although those shirts can on occasion look sexy on the right type of tradie I find them absolutely disgusting. There is more than a bit of the snob coming out of me when I say it feels like it's branding me in the worst way as a cleaner/low income worker. I don't understand what was so wrong with the white shirt I was wearing before and still wear most of the time underneath the apron. In fact the shirt has the company logo on it whereas the apron doesn't. I'm getting used to it but still find the apron a bit cumbersome. For example the strings if untied fall into the toilets when I'm bending over them. Gross. It's just something extra that doesn't seem necessary at all. And so my protest-cum-ode to its existence is the mock HNT. (I'm not completely sold on the HNT tradition either).

Terry's arousal from helping me get this photo taken was surprising. (The photo doesn't exactly flatter). I wasn't going for that effect when posing. So it was a surprise to see Terry poking out and looking at me expectantly. I think I genuinely said, "Oh hello!" It didn't take me long to get on board and take advantage of the situation. Unfortunately my mum come home before either of us could.

It's not ideal having your fella stay with you when you're still living at home. Picture day was the second case of coitus interruptus. The previous time I thought I heard my mum's car pulling up but you guessed it I was wrong. We didn't really get much intimate times at all. My bed's a bastard at giving the game away - squeak! My mum subtlety offered us the couch when we were all together so I did lie on his lap from time to time. I couldn't get to the kissing in front of her stage, not even on the cheek. Arm around his shoulder or hand on his head was about it.
  

Returning to the work theme I have to say things have taken a dive. Not long after being told I was officially going up to 4 hours a day I suddenly and without no explanation went back to my original shift. That lasted around of pay, so a fortnight. I'm half way through the current round and have been given a few extra hours here and there but it's still a bit of a blow financially. The problem for me is the more often I do my original shift the less I can justify staying on and not going on the dole.

My dole fears are mostly about never getting another job, except possibly cleaning,again! I've been on it before and hated it. I stayed off it a couple of times at the expense of my savings. Just this week I started looking for work again. Didn't see much but did apply to Hungry Jacks online and got rejected barely a couple of hours later.

There doesn't seem to be anything out there for me. And after all this time I don't feel like I can do anything except donkey work. Which was kind of what my mum said to me on Wednesday when I was telling her I got some overtime that day that went to 9:30; and yet I still didn't finish it all! She suggested I do cleaning or something equally uninspiring at an elderly home. That really upset me because it felt like my mum had given up on me. I told her so later after I'd gotten over the initial hurt. We talked it out. Her point was if you have to do shit work then do it during the day. (Fair enough, I guess). My main issue is I don't want to be a cleaner at all. The comment reminded me of times when people ask what I do and when. I hate the reply of can't you do it at another time or somewhere else. Fuck sake that's not what I hate about it! I don't want to be doing it at all. Give me a little more credit, please. Oh and I'm not to fond of the "Someone's got to do it," response either. You know no one wants too and why the hell does it have to be me?

God! I think I better go back to living one day at a time rather than thinking of being in this job for the long term. The more I think about it like that the more I want to give up altogether. (You know what I mean). No future; no point.