I emailed my SME for more work today. And what I wrote was: Can I get a new job? The joke was not lost on me but I wonder if she got it?
Something has happened. Either I've stopped letting the stress get to me OR I'm getting better at my job. No! It's not either of those. I'll telling asking for help does help; but only a little! I feel quite good when I finish an order and hand it in to be QC'd (aka Quality Checked). But then you get it back with a list of things you need to fix. That feels like a kick in the guts. It shakes my confidence that I've actually learnt anything. I suspect I'm being too hard on myself but if I'm honest I don't think I'm working hard enough.
Perhaps I have a fear of failure. I'll ask my therapist. She'll know. She should by now! Part of me is thinking I'm sitting here waiting to be fired. We sort of talked about that. But the way she saw it was I was jumping from one point, a newly trained employee still on probation, straight to you're fired! Sure I guess I would be getting messages explicit or implicit from my SMEs or Team Leader that there was a problem before they told me to rack off. According to my one-on-two session, (with Rhett and Sas the SME), I'm not doing that badly. I may not work as fast as some but I am working etc. (Yeah...kinda). And I'm not the only that's on the slow end of the spectrum. They reassure me that the lost feeling I have is totally normal. And they pointed out I don't ask for help that often. That's when I broke. I've been brutally honest about how I feel I'm doing since day one. Some may say to my detriment. But I figure why lie? It's not going to take long for them to figure out I can't do my work. I told them how hard I find it to ask, being shy and all.
The whole session has helped. It took off some of the pressure I had put myself under, although I still think some of it was valid. It felt like an introduction which is partly what I needed. I don't know these people I'm meant to be getting help from. Sas said I could email her any time if that helps. I decided to go straight to her which was good for me. Have emailed but find it less useful.
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