A Grey Area

I do fancy, or have fancied, older men. (A grey area indeed). It´s a genre of art I´ve been distracted by lately. For example the last book I read, The Ice Age, is about a girl travelling around America with a much older man. They do have a sexual relationship, eventually. I can´t work out the age difference but she´s only legal later on in the book. (No illegal sex). Anyway she´s madly in love with him, but he seems to be the kind of man who, oh I don´t know, can´t really commit to one person. I think he loves her too, definitely lusts after her but is pretty gentlemanly about it. It must be hard for him too but it´s all from her perspective. It´s an interesting read, better than Lolita – this book being described as a new generation Lolita, well that was the sentiment – but for me the situation is the opposite. I´m the object of desire and the age difference does disturb me. Shit it disturbs me when the guy is in his 40s but this is a much bigger gap. Like his kids are in their 40s gap! But I´d be lying if I didn´t admit I love the attention and friendship. He is my best friend. I´ve told him nearly everything. Even that freaky stuff that still stresses me out.

In Stockholm I saw this painting called The Ill-Matched Couple. Hmm guess which pair I thought of! Especially as it´s an older man and younger woman. Big age gap too. I´m going to look up this painting when I get home – I´m sitting in a library in Reykjavik right now but my net time costs me money so I´m not going to look it up now. There´s money involved in this painting and possibly prostitution. I overheard a bit of a tour in English about this painting. I wish I heard it all. In some ways I agree with Jim, (whom I´ve told I love online, but still we sit at opposite ends of the screen on opposite sides of Melbourne), that if he isn´t rich why would you bother? (Jim´s about my age. That may be why the “love” thing went nowhere, ouch! I´m just teasing). I thought similar things, in terms of how I would explain our relationship and “justify” it in our culture. I doubt I could ever feel right about being a couple. And I want to be a full-fledged couple with somebody, some day. Please?

To be continued.