This is the first time I’ve been in an office situation long enough to even think about it. I’ve thought/dreamt about the guy who quality checks my work but it wasn’t romantically. Not really. I mean I once dreamt we were in bed together but we weren’t doing anything naughty or interesting. In fact all I can remember now is I kept checking to see if he was still asleep because I wanted to go for a wee without him hearing. In the morning I thought, this is about work not lust. Rather me wanting to be able to do my job without his help; or at least more independently than I am at the moment. I do hate needing to ask for help and unfortunately I don't, or not right away. I HAVE to though. Been told numerous times.
In training I was told that office romances happen but so far I haven’t noticed anything. Maybe some flirting but I’ve never been good at picking up on that and I can’t report any flirting aimed at me. Everyone seems younger than me anyway and that’s not really my style. I should be flattered but…early twenties freaks me out! I don’t want to be seen or perceived as a Cougar at thirty-one! I don’t feel like being a “teacher” to these younger men because I don’t think I’ve got the experience. (Such nice bodies though. Sigh!) At the other end of the scale I don’t want to seem like a mail order bride, (good time not to be Asian or Eastern European looking), or a sweet-tooth with her sugar daddy when I’m seen with older men either. It’s like I’ve always wondered? Why aren’t I good enough for men my own age? (Some older men’s bodies are all right but they don’t always work as well as they used to).
This is really straying from the topic now but I want a baby. I always did but now that I’m older it doesn’t feel like something I can put off as easily. My cousin had a baby a couple of weeks ago. That’s me and him below. And the daughter of one of my mum’s best friends had a baby nearly two months ago. Some of my friends have babies now and I love them all. My dad’s death has made me think about it more as well. One of the first things I thought after I was told he died was that he should have been a grandfather. My mother seems keen on becoming a grandmother. She says she needs someone new to pour her love into, to paraphrase. She also wants to have the energy to enjoy grandchildren. I know I want one but I don't know how it will happen. I mean it doesn't seem like a possibility at the moment. And yeah, that gets me down a bit.