No Need To Rush

That's what one of my boss's told me and a fellow cleaner during a lecture on vacuuming and looking after our extension cords. They catch and tear a lot. It sucks – get it? That was terrible!

I have to laugh at that comment. What with all the overtime I do. I wanted to quit (again). I’m trying to work out when to hand in my notice. Got some birthdays coming up and I do like to give presents. Hmm. How can I leave without another job? I HATE being on the dole.

I sent David an email today. On Monday I had sent a text saying: After careless procrastination I’ve decided I’m not a scriptwriter. Thanks anyway, Amy. I was dreading getting an “Okay” reply. (So dismissive, so male, “okay”). It’s all right it didn’t happen, I didn’t hear anything from him. So I emailed him. That got a reply. I don’t know why I wrote this but I said I might run away with Terry; even though he’s old enough to be my father. Because what have I got to live for here? David said we should talk about it before I “run off with my chap.” Just about the scriptwriting I hope! God, how embarrassing would it be to talk about running away. I wouldn't do that to Terry. I'm a bitch but not that much. I'd only go live with him if that's what I truly wanted to do. At the moment the offer just feels like taking the easy way out, cheating.

I emailed David to say I was hasty and if he’s ignoring my text I’m willing to as well. I haven’t really given it a proper go yet. It really is too early to come to the conclusion that I can’t be a scriptwriter. He agreed. I also told him I won’t be getting it finished by the end of this month. I honestly have no idea how long it will take me to write a half hour script.

Is there any reason to rush? Saying "No" takes some arbitrary weight off me. It may take David longer to help me but once I’ve done it I’ll feel better about myself. And the way things stand it's not like Go Girl! is waiting for stories to shoot. The job I was offered was Script Supervisor not writer. Although if I was given the chance I'd go for it.

In These Shoes?

I said "In these shoes? I doubt you'd survive." I said "Honey, let's do it. Let's stay right here."

Do you like them?

I’m not normally the kind of woman who gets excited by a new pair of shoes but these babies – hideous kinky, aren’t they? – got me through work last night. (I’ve been beating myself up before work for not getting on with my scriptwriting). You see they’re a bit extravagant, they’re not everyday shoes by far, so of course I have to justify buying them. (Annoyingly they were surrounded by shoes on sale but there was no red sticker, $10 off, these ones). Well they go well with a new red dress I bought. This dress I plan to wear at my sister’s birthday party next month. It’s fancy dress and I intend to go as Diana Ross, the Supremes Diana. I really feel like being glamorous and girlie at the moment. Just need to feel sexy? I don’t know. A distraction? I was smiling a lot to myself at work thinking how great I’ll look at this party. Singing Supreme songs as I worked, not always softly or in my head.

I was originally going to my sister’s party as the cute Michael Jackson of Jackson Five days. It’s easy to put together a mismatching 70s outfit. In fact last weekend we found a top I could wear at a vintage/recycled clothing store. I bought the top but I was really disappointed to give up on the Diana idea. I told myself this would be cheaper and I couldn’t get the perfect Diana wig I found online because they don’t ship outside of America. Well fuck it! There are ways around that. Being cute is fine but I really want to be sexy. LOL. An ego boost. I’ve been mistaken for a boy and man numerous times, and the last time wasn’t that long ago, so being ultra girlie appeals. Man I feel like a woman. Mind you only in the safe context and fantasy of a dress-up party at my auntie’s house. Not out on the town, God no! (Sorry, Terry I know you want to take me out in that dress. Although, now I have the shoes...maybe). Actually, this red dress was "justified" as something I could wear at an awards ceremony when Go Girl! makes good. "And best script for a children's television show goes to...." (It was also on sale).

I need a distraction. I started reading my script on the tram, the highlighted David version, and I couldn’t get past the first page. The corrections, although made with the best of intentions - (lessons rather than scolding) - and the way I was already feeling about the script, I found it devastating. My ego being kicked one too many times. I’m hoping, it being a new day, I won’t take the criticism so personally once I get back to re-reading my work. I know I have to remind myself this is a style of writing I’m not used to. And if it turns out I’m not good at it that doesn’t mean I’m a bad writer. I can’t stand this false optimism!

David said he’d be busy again in February whether or not that means he’ll have no time to help me I don’t know for sure. I’m letting January get away from me. Shit! I need to get down to some serious work on my script; or just let it go. Sad to say those shoes made me feel better after that tram ride into work. A new job would leave me ecstatic.

January 21 2010

P.S. I meant to add another justification for buying the wig. It's linked to the stuff above, about being mistaken for a man. With that wig - that's on it's way, woo hoo! - I could also pass for a drag queen. I already have my name: Glamour Ross. Perfect, no?

Getting Lackey

I’ve been trying to get a new job since I can’t stand my cleaning one. I’ve been applying to stuff in television, when I can find it, or entry level things in retail or admin – where people with arts degrees go to forge a funky/alternative existence.

Last month in my random job search on Seek I came across a job for a Deputy Editor at Crikey.com Looking at the criteria I decided I could do most of those things, maybe fake the rest. It didn’t matter really as I found the ad after the due date but they had given a name and an email address of someone to apply to. A real person rather than the standard Seek procedure. Finally taking the advice of friends I decided I would apply to them directly, as a shit kicker. The office lackey, basically willing to do anything for some experience and a job that won't embarrass me. In the original ad they asked for a sample of writing. I collected some posts on cleaning from this blog. Although I realise now that Lust And Dust would have better examples of how much I hate cleaning. I did this last night and I don’t really know what to expect. I very rarely hear from anyone when I send off resumes. (And I don’t send off enough of them!) It was worth a shot anyway.

In the meantime I haven't done much with my script. I was tempted to send David an email saying I don't think I am a writer and thanks for the help anyway. I'm glad I didn't send that. Yesterday on my way to work I re-read the script treatment and it's not a bad story. It does seem like a bit of work though. I keep staying up late and getting up late so I fuck myself over and don't get much of anything done before work. Fear of failure if ever I saw it. I should at least take the first step and re-read my script. David's already seen that and gone through it with yellow highlighter. He didn't tell me to give up then. But I'm still scared it will lead to nothing.

In a book shop near work I've found a special Go Girl! bag that comes with two books I've already read. I sort of want that bag, like a good luck charm. I also saw an Oscar the Grouch toy I think I could attach to my back pack. I thought, "Which one am I? The cleaner or the script writer?"

Is it too obvious to say I’m lacking something?

Nice Work If You Can Get It

This morning I went to see David to give him some more PNG coffee and a Christmas card. (I’m such a suck!) It’s also a bit easier to get information on Go Girl! in person. There wasn’t much more news than what I was told in my last email. In that there was mention of a meeting with a woman from Disney. Today I found out they are still interested. There is some interest from CBC (the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. David’s Canadian, might that help? A lucky “omen?” PLEASE!) His wife was surprised to hear that and asked how it came about. It was through Film Victoria apparently. I think there may be a chance of meetings with CBC in February. Sigh! But then again, what is a few more months of tortured hoping and waiting?

In the meantime I’m supposed to finish my script. That’s my “passport” to the business; my proof that I can do it. He wasn’t telling me off exactly for not doing it yet, but his tone suggested that's my only option for now. He did warn that if it wasn’t done by February it would be unlikely that he’d have the time to help me. Take advantage now Amy! I told him I will. And it’s true. I want to see if I can complete at least one script. He told me again how once I prove myself I should be set, (and I can be as eccentric as I want!) On my way home I was wondering if I could finish my script before the New Year? That would show him I was serious! It really would be nice work if I could get it. We’ll see.


That's my take on the Go Girl! book covers. And this time I'm the star.

Dear John

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Hmm, yes, perhaps she does. I keep saying how much I don’t enjoy sex. I sure as hell keep telling the three unwise men I don’t think they should bother pursuing it with me. But has it really been all that bad? So I don’t orgasm – not as far as I can tell anyway - even on my solo efforts. (Could they be weak orgasms? I have no idea but I do find it disappointing. I’ve even cried afterwards on occasion. Thinking how pathetic, lonely and sad that experience was). And I’ve been “forced” into a few things I didn’t really want to do and feel guilty about as a result. Methinks she’s starting to protest again!

When people in chat ask, “Do you like sex?” I say “No.” It’s true I don’t enjoy it much, but I have had a few good times. I may not reach orgasm but I do enjoy other aspects of the experience. Namely kissing and oral; yep I’m all about the mouth!

I’ve been very frank on my past sexual experiences of late. Only in chat I mean. That’s turned on a few men. So has this photo of me dressed up for my auntie’s recent 50^th birthday.

I love this photo. It’s been my profile pic on and off. The requests for blow jobs whilst I’m in that get up....! I guess I’m just not into fantasy that much. The red lipstick is hot, but a nun giving you a blow job? I guess it’s the “wrongness” of it. Considering how much I hate to be naked, even in front of myself, the dress-up thing could work out great for me. Keep thinking outside the square. [And if you are the square? Then you best fuck someone else. I’m a dud!]

Recently I was up late enough to chat with Johnny in Perth. I met him in April when he was visiting Melbourne. We spent the night together and although it took me a little while to relax, and almost a full bottle of white wine, I did enjoy my time with him. We talked for a while first, over the wine. Then I went to sit on his bed, warm, tipsy and a little tired. (We caught up after my shift that night). He joined me on the bed, I think after I decided to fall back and relax. (It’s now or never Johnny!) He made the first move, the first caress, followed by the first kiss.

Whenever we chat he talks about that night. He has fond memories of me falling asleep on his chest as we cuddled up. The next morning I had no sense of the time since the light coming through the window wasn’t very strong. We kissed and played some more. It was fun. Being sober again I wasn’t keen to get out of bed and into the shower but I thought it best. He got to admire my bum, which is the other thing he likes to mention when we chat. We didn’t have sex – no condoms - but we kissed and gave each other a lot of oral. It did feel good being with him. He tried so hard to make me cum, because and I quote, “You deserve it.” If memory serves I didn’t make him cum either.

My ability to orgasm is still debatable. I do get many offers in chat of, “Let me try,” and “I bet I can make you cum babe.” I can’t accept them all and frankly I think it’s just me! You have to relax and feel sexy. I am incapable of both those things. (Well I did think I looked hot as a nun but being me I hid with my teenage cousin, her friend and my sister in the living room while the grown-ups, including dirty old inebriated men, where out the back where the real party was happening).

Yes, John was good. There was another man who wasn’t too bad and I was able to feel comfortable with. I invited him over the day we met online – I never do that. We must have just clicked somehow. I talked to him on the phone first. I remember him saying, “Wow you’ve made me cum three times today.” Shit I’ve forgotten his name but I think it was John as well. He was cute, not really “hot,” but cuddly and sweet. Doing 69 with him was pretty good. That’s one of my favourite positions.

A rather predictable and tedious question I get in chat. I only chat because I am bored and haven’t got much to do while I’m waiting for work to start. I find it very depressing and annoying but I do it anyway, because it is easy. I have made some friends but they’re not usually around when I am; adding to the pitfalls of living and working outside of “normal” hours. It hasn’t been much of a sex life but without chat there wouldn’t be one at all. Hmm another clue as to why I dislike it so much?

Golly I nearly forgot about a third John I've known. I think he was the third man I ever had sex with. I do remember it was very early on in my "Yes-I'm-going-to-meet-strangers-for-sex-from-the-net-now-because-I'm-too-old-to-be-a-virgin-anymore," stage. I did lose my virginity late. Not an ideal experience, but I'm not going into it right now. It's just once I started I sort of got addicted in that I felt horny and really wanted the experience. It was never very romantic or satisfying and that is one reason I've (almost) stopped in the last two years or so.

Back to third John. He wasn't great looking but man he could kiss and somehow I just felt comfortable with him. I was still shy to be naked and sexually intimate with him - I don't know how that will ever change. Perhaps meeting someone and forming a relationship but then the awkwardness of the Ash encounter keeps rearing its disappointing head. (Ooh an accidental pun! Though not really as Ash and I didn't have oral sex). This John made me laugh when we were together. The sex felt all right. I didn't orgasm but I felt more then I usually do. The kissing and oral was great! I did have one experience where I burst out crying when we were in bed together. I forget what he said that made me feel so bad but I just couldn't help it. I was very sulky and he left soon after. That may have been our last time together. I can't remember. We bump into each other in chat from time to time. He's still happy to get together for sex but it hasn't happened. I don't know, it may have reached the stage where he's given up on me. Oh well.

A rather predictable and tedious question I get in chat. I only chat because I am bored and haven’t got much to do while I’m waiting for work to start. I find it very depressing and annoying but I do it anyway, because it is easy. I have made some friends but they’re not usually around when I am; adding to the pitfalls of living and working outside of “normal” hours. It hasn’t been much of a sex life but without chat there wouldn’t be one at all. Hmm another clue as to why I dislike it so much?

Since I’ve forgotten the point of this piece I should wrap things up. I think I should stick with what I am good at and not worry so much about sex any more. There’s other pleasures out there; sexual and otherwise.

My love to the Johns out there! What an unfortunate or appropriate, depending on your sensibilities and opinions of me and my actions, name. That is I, Amy, acted like a whore and what self-respecting whore would be without a John? That came out less smoothly than I hoped but you get what I mean. You've got to laugh.