To Do Or Not To Do?

I got an email from a friend today thanking me for a “crazy” present I sent her. In it she made a passing comment about not wasting time with married men. It has been on my mind, that’s for sure! Although I wouldn’t say I’m against it. She wrote, “You can do better than that girlie so believe in it and let it happen!” That intrigues me because lately I’ve been thinking about how much I don’t believe in romance and true love. That is fidelity. Maybe I’m getting it wrong and it isn’t the same thing anyway. I mean there’s Ash and his open relationship. Logically I think it makes the most sense. But at the same time I wonder how logical love is? I mean isn’t that partly what makes it exciting? And I can’t help remembering chatting to Ash one night when his missus had someone over for sex. He was drunk and pissed off. Can you help getting jealous even though you’ve made the decision as a couple to see other people? We’re all so complicated.

My experience in Edinburgh – just a fling, but so many lies! It still upsets me. http://flirtanddirt.blogspot.com/2009/10/liar-liar-im-tempted-to-set-his-pants.html - has ruined the idea of relationships. I mean at the time I couldn’t see how it would work out, long distance and all that, but maybe a little part of me was flattered and wooed. I’m surrounded by people cheating. People I like too. Not sure I should encourage their cheating though. Can you still be friends though? I hope so.

Cheating, or wanting to cheat, seems so natural to me that I can’t help thinking what is the point of being in a relationship? I have formed connections and friendships with some of these men. Being hopeless at sex I have to say I enjoy the friendships a lot more. Being the other woman does put you in an interesting position. Yes, mostly an unfair one. Then get your OWN man Amy! Well yes, but he’ll get bored and possibly cheat too. I might get bored as well. Would I cheat? I would like to think I wouldn’t. You never know until you’re in the situation though, obviously. That’s why an open relationship seems like the best option. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is perfect. However at the moment it seems the fairest way to go about it.

Now I’m wondering if I was in a relationship would I express my views on having an “open” one. It does tend to lack romance. Maybe passion is more important – variety is the spice of life! Why fight biology, we want to experience more than one person. Well, I’m not really in a position to talk much deeper about any of this. I’m not thrilled with being a bit on the side but lately I think of the men I’m with more as friends. I haven’t sought out a fling in ages - well actually they find me. I just haven't accepted in a while. There's not much point as far as I can see. I’m too shy and lacking in confidence for it to be worth it for either of us. I mean my men get me, more or less. And unless they’re pulling my leg they seem to like me for me and enjoy my company. Aww nice! Smirk. That’ll do.

- The one and only, single me.

A Grey Area

I do fancy, or have fancied, older men. (A grey area indeed). It´s a genre of art I´ve been distracted by lately. For example the last book I read, The Ice Age, is about a girl travelling around America with a much older man. They do have a sexual relationship, eventually. I can´t work out the age difference but she´s only legal later on in the book. (No illegal sex). Anyway she´s madly in love with him, but he seems to be the kind of man who, oh I don´t know, can´t really commit to one person. I think he loves her too, definitely lusts after her but is pretty gentlemanly about it. It must be hard for him too but it´s all from her perspective. It´s an interesting read, better than Lolita – this book being described as a new generation Lolita, well that was the sentiment – but for me the situation is the opposite. I´m the object of desire and the age difference does disturb me. Shit it disturbs me when the guy is in his 40s but this is a much bigger gap. Like his kids are in their 40s gap! But I´d be lying if I didn´t admit I love the attention and friendship. He is my best friend. I´ve told him nearly everything. Even that freaky stuff that still stresses me out.

In Stockholm I saw this painting called The Ill-Matched Couple. Hmm guess which pair I thought of! Especially as it´s an older man and younger woman. Big age gap too. I´m going to look up this painting when I get home – I´m sitting in a library in Reykjavik right now but my net time costs me money so I´m not going to look it up now. There´s money involved in this painting and possibly prostitution. I overheard a bit of a tour in English about this painting. I wish I heard it all. In some ways I agree with Jim, (whom I´ve told I love online, but still we sit at opposite ends of the screen on opposite sides of Melbourne), that if he isn´t rich why would you bother? (Jim´s about my age. That may be why the “love” thing went nowhere, ouch! I´m just teasing). I thought similar things, in terms of how I would explain our relationship and “justify” it in our culture. I doubt I could ever feel right about being a couple. And I want to be a full-fledged couple with somebody, some day. Please?

To be continued.