No Need To Rush

That's what one of my boss's told me and a fellow cleaner during a lecture on vacuuming and looking after our extension cords. They catch and tear a lot. It sucks – get it? That was terrible!

I have to laugh at that comment. What with all the overtime I do. I wanted to quit (again). I’m trying to work out when to hand in my notice. Got some birthdays coming up and I do like to give presents. Hmm. How can I leave without another job? I HATE being on the dole.

I sent David an email today. On Monday I had sent a text saying: After careless procrastination I’ve decided I’m not a scriptwriter. Thanks anyway, Amy. I was dreading getting an “Okay” reply. (So dismissive, so male, “okay”). It’s all right it didn’t happen, I didn’t hear anything from him. So I emailed him. That got a reply. I don’t know why I wrote this but I said I might run away with Terry; even though he’s old enough to be my father. Because what have I got to live for here? David said we should talk about it before I “run off with my chap.” Just about the scriptwriting I hope! God, how embarrassing would it be to talk about running away. I wouldn't do that to Terry. I'm a bitch but not that much. I'd only go live with him if that's what I truly wanted to do. At the moment the offer just feels like taking the easy way out, cheating.

I emailed David to say I was hasty and if he’s ignoring my text I’m willing to as well. I haven’t really given it a proper go yet. It really is too early to come to the conclusion that I can’t be a scriptwriter. He agreed. I also told him I won’t be getting it finished by the end of this month. I honestly have no idea how long it will take me to write a half hour script.

Is there any reason to rush? Saying "No" takes some arbitrary weight off me. It may take David longer to help me but once I’ve done it I’ll feel better about myself. And the way things stand it's not like Go Girl! is waiting for stories to shoot. The job I was offered was Script Supervisor not writer. Although if I was given the chance I'd go for it.

Sexy Old Man

You know one old man I really fancy? John Mahoney.

He was still pretty good looking in the early days of Frasier. He started to look like an old man near the end of the show. I found him very sexy and so much nicer than Frasier and Niles in terms of character (well okay looks too!)

Working it out he would have been 56 when the show first went to air and almost 66 when it ended. Sexy as he damn well is! I couldn't be seen in public with him. It never looks right. “Uncles” and sugar daddies; I don’t know who comes across worse? The old man or the young woman? Of course it’s all personal. As a feminist - and I feel I am one - do I then have to ask myself how I feel about the situation when the genders are reversed? That is, when it’s an older woman, a so-called cougar, with her toy boy? I don’t think I care! I mean this torment is all about me! How do I feel being seen with Terry or any man significantly older then me? Seen as a couple that is. I mean we talked about playing father and daughter in public but I don’t want that. I’ve waited 29 years for someone who wants me for more than sex. I’m not going to pretend I’m not dating them. Why should I? But then I can’t deal with the age difference and the image we’d cast.

What is wrong with me? Why is it that only men of a certain age take notice of me? At first it seemed to be a combination of married and older men. When they are married I reason they were just desperate for anyone to fuck, even me! It hasn't always been that personal or that intense; that is I'm not going to be the love of their life. I'm just the "relief" on the side. I still feel bad for their wives but I also reckon, "If not me then someone else." And it usually is me and a few someone elses. In some ways I’m just too easy to bed. Am I such a freak that it takes a mature taste to see anything worthwhile in me? It’s not bloody fair.

I want to be part of a couple. Run my fingers on the back of his neck – yes his. Being with a woman publically would freak me out as much as being with a man that's too old for me. I’m not a lesbian, bi-curious – bye bitch! – at times, but even then the “experimental” urge hasn’t been that strong, or even seriously there for a long time. Anyway, I’m running my fingers through his hair as we’re waiting for something. Time goes on and I rest my head on his shoulder and he takes my other hand and gives it a squeeze. A tired and content look on his face then a smile and a look in his eyes that says he can’t wait to get back into bed for an encore of last night. I grin back and blush – I can’t help it! Besides, I can’t wait either.

I enjoy Terry’s attention. (Well I'm sure I’ve already said that. I've never been so loved). I can talk to him openly. I have shared most of my deepest, darkest burdens. I’m still worried in some ways about the issues I've raised, but it has been good to talk to someone about them. Like taking a deep breath after holding it for too long. He is my best friend. However the age difference and gender difference can make it awkward. (Perhaps that’s just in my head). But I’m repeating myself (as I’m prone to).

I enjoy the attention from Ash and Garry too but they’re married and it’s not as constant as Terry’s. Sometimes I feel sorry for him. I mean if I’m the highlight of your day – or life by the sounds of it – then I’d want my money back from God, or whoever. [I’m not really happy with how that came out. If anything Terry that’s meant to be a put down of me not you; I never want to hurt you! Although that’s all I can see happening in the end. Crap! Shit! Fuck!] Looking at it another way it’s quite a thing to say about someone. Perhaps I’m just not romantic enough. Being suspicious of romance deep down.

It’s easier when they’re married. Strange to say since I obviously don’t relish being a bit on the side. Sometimes I wish I was a courtesan. A companion and a lover, smart, talented and spending my time with rich men. Oh yes! I think I’d have to be better at sex first! I’m easily used; do I have to enjoy it if I’m a courtesan? A hole, a mouth, I’d rather not be an arsehole, hands, tits; the whole package.*

*Package may or may not include anal. Please consult your service provider or increase your chances and stop off at an off-licence first.

As a sex act anal does not appeal to me. I have done it, not entirely convinced or willingly, it hurt and didn’t turn me on at all. Having, “It feels delicious,” in my ear in a pleading tone doesn’t help either. Don’t think I did it with him. He did not break on through to the other side. I’d had my anal experience by then, not again. You can go down on me if you want though. (Of course I didn’t say that).

I wish I could accept my body, (hair and face included), it would make life and sex so much easier.