More Work

I emailed my SME for more work today. And what I wrote was: Can I get a new job? The joke was not lost on me but I wonder if she got it?

Something has happened. Either I've stopped letting the stress get to me OR I'm getting better at my job. No! It's not either of those. I'll telling asking for help does help; but only a little! I feel quite good when I finish an order and hand it in to be QC'd (aka Quality Checked). But then you get it back with a list of things you need to fix. That feels like a kick in the guts. It shakes my confidence that I've actually learnt anything. I suspect I'm being too hard on myself but if I'm honest I don't think I'm working hard enough.

Perhaps I have a fear of failure. I'll ask my therapist. She'll know. She should by now! Part of me is thinking I'm sitting here waiting to be fired. We sort of talked about that. But the way she saw it was I was jumping from one point, a newly trained employee still on probation, straight to you're fired! Sure I guess I would be getting messages explicit or implicit from my SMEs or Team Leader that there was a problem before they told me to rack off. According to my one-on-two session, (with Rhett and Sas the SME), I'm not doing that badly. I may not work as fast as some but I am working etc. (Yeah...kinda). And I'm not the only that's on the slow end of the spectrum. They reassure me that the lost feeling I have is totally normal. And they pointed out I don't ask for help that often. That's when I broke. I've been brutally honest about how I feel I'm doing since day one. Some may say to my detriment. But I figure why lie? It's not going to take long for them to figure out I can't do my work. I told them how hard I find it to ask, being shy and all.

The whole session has helped. It took off some of the pressure I had put myself under, although I still think some of it was valid. It felt like an introduction which is partly what I needed. I don't know these people I'm meant to be getting help from. Sas said I could email her any time if that helps. I decided to go straight to her which was good for me. Have emailed but find it less useful.

Sunshine Cleaning

Last Sunday I went to see a film after work, you know so I could say I did something for myself on the weekend. I went to see Sunshine Cleaning. I considered seeing it on my birthday but as I was taking the night off the job why remind myself about it? Pity, the film I picked instead just made me depressed about the world of entertainment. It was set in Hollywood but all the bullshit and slow negotiations seemed easily transferrable to my own experience with the local television industry.

Maybe I should have seen Sunshine Cleaning on my birthday. As we know my birthday is International Cleaners Day. (Someone has a cruel sense of humour). The film had everything; cleaning, tears, sisters, feeling useless, sex with married men, suicide. I totally understood the pain of her job. I was close to tears when she cried and she was often on the verge. At one point she was in a motel room being stood up and was reciting her little positive thinking mantra. She changes the last line to “I’m a loser” and bursts out laughing. I know exactly how she felt. (And the actress was an Amy A. too. Oh my God! Will the coincidences never end? LOL. Okay I’m being overly histrionic now).

Something else that struck me was when she said words similar to the following, “I’m good at being wanted, but not as a girlfriend or wife.” I’m not saying I’m wanted like her but when it does happen it does tend to be as a bit on the side. My last experience of that was only a few days before so I was feeling a bit raw and sensitive. I really like this man and have known him for years, but sex wasn’t a great idea. I can’t handle it. He was good about it. Didn’t force anything and we did talk most of the time and I enjoy that. I hope he feels we are still friends. I don’t think I was so bad that I’ve put him off sex for life or anything; probably just with me. Perhaps he even had sex with the wife that very night.

But I’m sidetracking now. There was more to the film then sex and affairs. Overall I thought it was very good even though it was painful. I was thinking it reminds me of another film, My Life Without Me. The star in that was a cleaner too. But that didn’t make me as sad at the time since I was still at uni and didn’t know that was my future. She finds out she’s going to die from a very progressive case of cancer so she makes a list of things to do before she goes. She also doesn’t tell her family to save their feelings. One of the things she does is have an affair since, if I remember correctly, she’s only been with her husband. I couldn’t help remembering that similarity.

So much pain and embarrassment in cleaning for a living. But really the sad thing is why didn’t I write this story? I know why. I’m too ashamed to admit my job to most people and let’s face it I’m a slacker when it comes to writing. (Have I started the Go Girl! script? No!) Too scared.

I am a loser.