Frankly My Dear

He didn’t say anything but I was caught on Facebook and possibly Hotmail at work today by one of the SMEs. (Yeah I can’t remember what that stands for except Expert). Just one of the go-to people before you bug the Team Leader. The TL is called Rhett Butler. Would you believe? I knew it was a famous name from pop culture but I had to look it up to remind myself. Gone with the bloody Wind. Frankly my dear I do give a damn! Apparently he’s really laid back. (A team mate and gossip buddy of mine used to work with him. Judging from a Facebook photo they’re not bad friends). Tall and cute in a dressed casual sort of way. He likes his football though. L And frankly my dear I DON’T give a damn about that!

It’s not that we’re banned from going on to these sites, or the net in general, it’s just that as newcomers we have to earn the right. To the best of my ability I did earn it the first day but never again since. I do it anyway as I get bored and frustrated and as in the previous post I don’t ask for help so when I can’t get on with my work I need something to do!

(Some one to do at the moment would be all right at well. It’s been a while. The last time I was touched by a man was a kiss on the cheek to say goodbye and good luck. This was the night before we started this job for real. Golly; that wet warmth was nice, however brief. By the way he’s the flirtiest and only married person in our group. He has this habit of winking when he talks to you. I’m going to stereotype him and say it’s part of his South American and Latin charm. That is to suggest it is his way rather than any particular interest in me. I thought he had blue eyes but today when the sunlight caught them I discovered they glowed like honey).

I'm too scared to talk to Rhett. In fact it took me ages to talk to Miguel the aforementioned SME and the guy Q Cing my work, that's Quality Checking people. He's checked one and it needs a rework. I still have my doubts any of this is every going to make sense.

It’s weird though, being caught, because it’s broken the ice. I went up to ask a question and it felt all right. Maybe it was because he came around and offered the help. I don’t know, but as long as that mental block of mine is gone who cares! Sing Hallelujah! The more I over hear the new people the more I see how we’re all in the same boat. That only gives me comfort when I'm still thinking rationally but once I get in a state I just think, "They're going to get rid of me they're going to get rid of me!"

I actually miss cleaning - bite my tongue! In that at least I knew what I was doing and could get on with it. I don't know why I can't ask. I know it's all right to and perfectly understandable but something is blocking me. I don't really want to go over this in therapy again. Thinking inward repression my have to be my damaging route for the time being. I've told Terry that I don't want to talk about work with him any more. He got pissed off with me the night before when I rang him and repeatedly said I can't do it. I've been wondering today if anxiety pills would help at all. I could ask the therapist that. I do like this therapist but I'm starting to feel like my life is crap. The whole process can get you down. It can make me dwell on bad things.

Food Glorious Food

On Monday I got a phone call to come in for an interview for a kitchen hand position I had applied for around midnight on the weekend while I was wasting time online. The company name looked familiar and when they told me the address I knew it was the place I had applied to almost two years ago as a dishwasher. Back then they asked me in the next day but not to do dishes, as I would have expected, but rather count napkins and wrap them in cling-wrap. I guess I failed to impress because I never heard from them again. I wonder how I did this time. It’s really hard to tell because the interview itself lasted less than five minutes. The questions were pretty much what they asked me over the phone that morning. The only time I felt I stumbled was not having any immediate questions for them. I thought, shit this is happening too fast, I never even thought about what I’d want to ask them. All I could think of was “How many positions are there?” Just one. They’ll call if I get it. I don’t think I will. But of course feeling relatively okay after the interview I played the What My Life Would Be Like If I Got A New Job game. (I know, so dangerous for someone with my personality). What I was really excited about was the possibility of going back to tap dancing.

I miss it so much. It was the best thing I had going for me for the brief time I got to do it. I'm not the greatest student - it didn't help that I started when I was working the graveyard cleaning shift and thus was tired out of my brain to begin with - but it was so much fun and the people were really nice. Look at my teacher.

She's beautiful! And not just good looking, (for a blonde), but such a lovely person: always happy, laughing and joking. It's hard to explain but I think about it so much. I listen to some of the songs from routines for comfort. I often think about steps and want to do them where ever I am. Including the lifts at work when I'm cleaning them. And fuck it sometimes I do a bit. Who cares what the cameras see?

My original plan for Monday was to see Julie & Julia before work. When they asked me in for the interview I almost said I wasn’t free because of the film. Madness I know. Instead I just had to bring everything with me to the interview, just in case. It turned out fine. I thought I was going to be late for the interview but I got there with ten minutes to spare and as it turned out I was done with my five minutes (or rather less) interview at 1 o’clock the time I had to be there.

It was a nice film, full of food, most of which I wouldn’t be game to eat but it all looked good. I was a bit jealous of Julie’s blogging success. (Of course I’m a petty person. And I want to be a writer just as much as her!) She had structure and purpose which is what I wanted this to have too but as you know Go Girl! never took off. I write a bit about work but I can’t find anything nice to say about it. You know what they say, “If you can’t think of anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

Being a kitchen hand isn’t something I desperately want to do. Cleaning, cooking, I can’t help making “woman’s work” connections. Like playing “house” was really preparing me for adulthood, without the husband and kids bit. There’s nothing wrong with these jobs but...some feminist ideals I can't express properly but which end up making me seem sexist in the end. Of the two I actually enjoy cooking, but like in the movie it’s a pleasurable past time I don’t want it to be my career. Well obviously Julia Child was very happy cooking and ended up making it a great career for herself, but she belongs to the celebrity chef class. Besides if I cooked that much I’d probably start to recent it. Being a kitchen hand is still too close to the grunt work, making it nice for Other people with better (less embarrassing) jobs and decent salaries. See I am a snob! Sigh!

Oh well it being Friday now and not receiving a call I don’t think I got the job. It’s disappointing but not as much as the first time. At least I have a job at the moment. Even one that upsets me so much I do stupid things like cry, cut myself or drink. I’ve managed a hat-trick some nights. More recently than I care to admit.

The Old Man didn’t really want me to get the job* and even my potential new “uncle” was trying to be upbeat by saying if I did get it he wouldn’t be able to see me during the day. Well so far I’ve been too shy to meet anyway. Sometimes it’s like, “God do I need another married man to hang out with?” And other times it feel like it could be fun. It is a good to have something to do be before the agony of work. And I don’t mean sex – shit, if that’s not obvious by now I am, publically and online, stating I am a BAD writer. No I just like the company. It’s not quite the same as saying we’re friends. (Friends with Benefits, gag! You know the married party came up with the one!) That’s the bright side Terry should keep in mind. If I got a day job obviously it makes it a lot harder for me to go off with married men. Or any man for that matter.

*Oh I tell a lie of course he would be please for me if I got a new job. He knows how much I hate cleaning and working those hours. A day job, full time hours to boot, would make a HUGE difference in my life.

To Do Or Not To Do?

I got an email from a friend today thanking me for a “crazy” present I sent her. In it she made a passing comment about not wasting time with married men. It has been on my mind, that’s for sure! Although I wouldn’t say I’m against it. She wrote, “You can do better than that girlie so believe in it and let it happen!” That intrigues me because lately I’ve been thinking about how much I don’t believe in romance and true love. That is fidelity. Maybe I’m getting it wrong and it isn’t the same thing anyway. I mean there’s Ash and his open relationship. Logically I think it makes the most sense. But at the same time I wonder how logical love is? I mean isn’t that partly what makes it exciting? And I can’t help remembering chatting to Ash one night when his missus had someone over for sex. He was drunk and pissed off. Can you help getting jealous even though you’ve made the decision as a couple to see other people? We’re all so complicated.

My experience in Edinburgh – just a fling, but so many lies! It still upsets me. http://flirtanddirt.blogspot.com/2009/10/liar-liar-im-tempted-to-set-his-pants.html - has ruined the idea of relationships. I mean at the time I couldn’t see how it would work out, long distance and all that, but maybe a little part of me was flattered and wooed. I’m surrounded by people cheating. People I like too. Not sure I should encourage their cheating though. Can you still be friends though? I hope so.

Cheating, or wanting to cheat, seems so natural to me that I can’t help thinking what is the point of being in a relationship? I have formed connections and friendships with some of these men. Being hopeless at sex I have to say I enjoy the friendships a lot more. Being the other woman does put you in an interesting position. Yes, mostly an unfair one. Then get your OWN man Amy! Well yes, but he’ll get bored and possibly cheat too. I might get bored as well. Would I cheat? I would like to think I wouldn’t. You never know until you’re in the situation though, obviously. That’s why an open relationship seems like the best option. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is perfect. However at the moment it seems the fairest way to go about it.

Now I’m wondering if I was in a relationship would I express my views on having an “open” one. It does tend to lack romance. Maybe passion is more important – variety is the spice of life! Why fight biology, we want to experience more than one person. Well, I’m not really in a position to talk much deeper about any of this. I’m not thrilled with being a bit on the side but lately I think of the men I’m with more as friends. I haven’t sought out a fling in ages - well actually they find me. I just haven't accepted in a while. There's not much point as far as I can see. I’m too shy and lacking in confidence for it to be worth it for either of us. I mean my men get me, more or less. And unless they’re pulling my leg they seem to like me for me and enjoy my company. Aww nice! Smirk. That’ll do.

- The one and only, single me.

Sunshine Cleaning

Last Sunday I went to see a film after work, you know so I could say I did something for myself on the weekend. I went to see Sunshine Cleaning. I considered seeing it on my birthday but as I was taking the night off the job why remind myself about it? Pity, the film I picked instead just made me depressed about the world of entertainment. It was set in Hollywood but all the bullshit and slow negotiations seemed easily transferrable to my own experience with the local television industry.

Maybe I should have seen Sunshine Cleaning on my birthday. As we know my birthday is International Cleaners Day. (Someone has a cruel sense of humour). The film had everything; cleaning, tears, sisters, feeling useless, sex with married men, suicide. I totally understood the pain of her job. I was close to tears when she cried and she was often on the verge. At one point she was in a motel room being stood up and was reciting her little positive thinking mantra. She changes the last line to “I’m a loser” and bursts out laughing. I know exactly how she felt. (And the actress was an Amy A. too. Oh my God! Will the coincidences never end? LOL. Okay I’m being overly histrionic now).

Something else that struck me was when she said words similar to the following, “I’m good at being wanted, but not as a girlfriend or wife.” I’m not saying I’m wanted like her but when it does happen it does tend to be as a bit on the side. My last experience of that was only a few days before so I was feeling a bit raw and sensitive. I really like this man and have known him for years, but sex wasn’t a great idea. I can’t handle it. He was good about it. Didn’t force anything and we did talk most of the time and I enjoy that. I hope he feels we are still friends. I don’t think I was so bad that I’ve put him off sex for life or anything; probably just with me. Perhaps he even had sex with the wife that very night.

But I’m sidetracking now. There was more to the film then sex and affairs. Overall I thought it was very good even though it was painful. I was thinking it reminds me of another film, My Life Without Me. The star in that was a cleaner too. But that didn’t make me as sad at the time since I was still at uni and didn’t know that was my future. She finds out she’s going to die from a very progressive case of cancer so she makes a list of things to do before she goes. She also doesn’t tell her family to save their feelings. One of the things she does is have an affair since, if I remember correctly, she’s only been with her husband. I couldn’t help remembering that similarity.

So much pain and embarrassment in cleaning for a living. But really the sad thing is why didn’t I write this story? I know why. I’m too ashamed to admit my job to most people and let’s face it I’m a slacker when it comes to writing. (Have I started the Go Girl! script? No!) Too scared.

I am a loser.