To Do Or Not To Do?

I got an email from a friend today thanking me for a “crazy” present I sent her. In it she made a passing comment about not wasting time with married men. It has been on my mind, that’s for sure! Although I wouldn’t say I’m against it. She wrote, “You can do better than that girlie so believe in it and let it happen!” That intrigues me because lately I’ve been thinking about how much I don’t believe in romance and true love. That is fidelity. Maybe I’m getting it wrong and it isn’t the same thing anyway. I mean there’s Ash and his open relationship. Logically I think it makes the most sense. But at the same time I wonder how logical love is? I mean isn’t that partly what makes it exciting? And I can’t help remembering chatting to Ash one night when his missus had someone over for sex. He was drunk and pissed off. Can you help getting jealous even though you’ve made the decision as a couple to see other people? We’re all so complicated.

My experience in Edinburgh – just a fling, but so many lies! It still upsets me. http://flirtanddirt.blogspot.com/2009/10/liar-liar-im-tempted-to-set-his-pants.html - has ruined the idea of relationships. I mean at the time I couldn’t see how it would work out, long distance and all that, but maybe a little part of me was flattered and wooed. I’m surrounded by people cheating. People I like too. Not sure I should encourage their cheating though. Can you still be friends though? I hope so.

Cheating, or wanting to cheat, seems so natural to me that I can’t help thinking what is the point of being in a relationship? I have formed connections and friendships with some of these men. Being hopeless at sex I have to say I enjoy the friendships a lot more. Being the other woman does put you in an interesting position. Yes, mostly an unfair one. Then get your OWN man Amy! Well yes, but he’ll get bored and possibly cheat too. I might get bored as well. Would I cheat? I would like to think I wouldn’t. You never know until you’re in the situation though, obviously. That’s why an open relationship seems like the best option. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is perfect. However at the moment it seems the fairest way to go about it.

Now I’m wondering if I was in a relationship would I express my views on having an “open” one. It does tend to lack romance. Maybe passion is more important – variety is the spice of life! Why fight biology, we want to experience more than one person. Well, I’m not really in a position to talk much deeper about any of this. I’m not thrilled with being a bit on the side but lately I think of the men I’m with more as friends. I haven’t sought out a fling in ages - well actually they find me. I just haven't accepted in a while. There's not much point as far as I can see. I’m too shy and lacking in confidence for it to be worth it for either of us. I mean my men get me, more or less. And unless they’re pulling my leg they seem to like me for me and enjoy my company. Aww nice! Smirk. That’ll do.

- The one and only, single me.

Sexy Old Man

You know one old man I really fancy? John Mahoney.

He was still pretty good looking in the early days of Frasier. He started to look like an old man near the end of the show. I found him very sexy and so much nicer than Frasier and Niles in terms of character (well okay looks too!)

Working it out he would have been 56 when the show first went to air and almost 66 when it ended. Sexy as he damn well is! I couldn't be seen in public with him. It never looks right. “Uncles” and sugar daddies; I don’t know who comes across worse? The old man or the young woman? Of course it’s all personal. As a feminist - and I feel I am one - do I then have to ask myself how I feel about the situation when the genders are reversed? That is, when it’s an older woman, a so-called cougar, with her toy boy? I don’t think I care! I mean this torment is all about me! How do I feel being seen with Terry or any man significantly older then me? Seen as a couple that is. I mean we talked about playing father and daughter in public but I don’t want that. I’ve waited 29 years for someone who wants me for more than sex. I’m not going to pretend I’m not dating them. Why should I? But then I can’t deal with the age difference and the image we’d cast.

What is wrong with me? Why is it that only men of a certain age take notice of me? At first it seemed to be a combination of married and older men. When they are married I reason they were just desperate for anyone to fuck, even me! It hasn't always been that personal or that intense; that is I'm not going to be the love of their life. I'm just the "relief" on the side. I still feel bad for their wives but I also reckon, "If not me then someone else." And it usually is me and a few someone elses. In some ways I’m just too easy to bed. Am I such a freak that it takes a mature taste to see anything worthwhile in me? It’s not bloody fair.

I want to be part of a couple. Run my fingers on the back of his neck – yes his. Being with a woman publically would freak me out as much as being with a man that's too old for me. I’m not a lesbian, bi-curious – bye bitch! – at times, but even then the “experimental” urge hasn’t been that strong, or even seriously there for a long time. Anyway, I’m running my fingers through his hair as we’re waiting for something. Time goes on and I rest my head on his shoulder and he takes my other hand and gives it a squeeze. A tired and content look on his face then a smile and a look in his eyes that says he can’t wait to get back into bed for an encore of last night. I grin back and blush – I can’t help it! Besides, I can’t wait either.

I enjoy Terry’s attention. (Well I'm sure I’ve already said that. I've never been so loved). I can talk to him openly. I have shared most of my deepest, darkest burdens. I’m still worried in some ways about the issues I've raised, but it has been good to talk to someone about them. Like taking a deep breath after holding it for too long. He is my best friend. However the age difference and gender difference can make it awkward. (Perhaps that’s just in my head). But I’m repeating myself (as I’m prone to).

I enjoy the attention from Ash and Garry too but they’re married and it’s not as constant as Terry’s. Sometimes I feel sorry for him. I mean if I’m the highlight of your day – or life by the sounds of it – then I’d want my money back from God, or whoever. [I’m not really happy with how that came out. If anything Terry that’s meant to be a put down of me not you; I never want to hurt you! Although that’s all I can see happening in the end. Crap! Shit! Fuck!] Looking at it another way it’s quite a thing to say about someone. Perhaps I’m just not romantic enough. Being suspicious of romance deep down.

It’s easier when they’re married. Strange to say since I obviously don’t relish being a bit on the side. Sometimes I wish I was a courtesan. A companion and a lover, smart, talented and spending my time with rich men. Oh yes! I think I’d have to be better at sex first! I’m easily used; do I have to enjoy it if I’m a courtesan? A hole, a mouth, I’d rather not be an arsehole, hands, tits; the whole package.*

*Package may or may not include anal. Please consult your service provider or increase your chances and stop off at an off-licence first.

As a sex act anal does not appeal to me. I have done it, not entirely convinced or willingly, it hurt and didn’t turn me on at all. Having, “It feels delicious,” in my ear in a pleading tone doesn’t help either. Don’t think I did it with him. He did not break on through to the other side. I’d had my anal experience by then, not again. You can go down on me if you want though. (Of course I didn’t say that).

I wish I could accept my body, (hair and face included), it would make life and sex so much easier.