Try, Try Again?

Earlier this year I applied for a job at Channel 7. From the description it was basically data entry and a good foot-in-the-door. I'd recently finished at Sensis so I thought "Why not?" I was shocked to get an interview. Fuckin' devastated to not make it to the second round. (I thought I'd done reasonably at the interview). Omigod it was SO cool being there. Just like a movie, as I texted my sister.

So last night I see the job re-advertised, slightly different and perhaps better job description but basically asking for the same thing. I reapplied and now I'm thinking was that a dumb idea? All I can think is I'd be better prepared if I made it to the interview again. 

Another Friday

I’m feeling okay. Bit of period pain but not feeling too crazy. Not from that anyway.

I don’t know if I’m feeling better or just don’t give a shit about work any more. Like I’m not going to let it get me down. Shit happens and a lot of things are out of my hands. I’m not going to say it doesn’t upset or annoy me getting stuck on orders. Oh fuck it’s probably Friday talking. I can taste the weekend. It would be sweeter if I had someone or something to do after work. I did text a couple of guys but the one who replied is busy. (Must stop taking that as a personal affront. Still, can’t help feeling a little rejected). I’m seeing some of my friends tomorrow for lunch so that might make me feel a bit loved. The white wine might relax me too.

Office Romances

Just thought I'd share this article I read last week in The Age:

It's business time: work romance dos and don'ts

At least 30 per cent of worke

rs have found love - or lust - at the office, numerous polls shows, and most haven't kept their feelings a secret.

It’s understandable really, given countless people have found

'The One' in the office. And since we spend so much time at work, why not dabble in a bit of workplace love?

A study by Ryerson University in Canada even confirmed that most employees don’t mind if their

colleagues date, so long as the team’s performance and work environment aren’t disrupted.

The reality, though, is that it can be an awkward and uncomfortable experience. Rumours and gossip are inevitable. Someone might view a friendly request for a date as harassment. And messy break-ups could easily be on public display.

Research conducted by Westminster University found no evidence that an office romance impacts negatively on productivity ... until the lovebirds break up. And in most cases, the relationship ends while the couple still works together, with the ongoing tension making it difficult to move on.

But sometimes the attraction between two colleagues is too strong to resist. They just have to be together. So, for guidance, I spoke to Helaine Olen, the co-author of Office Mate: The Employee Manual for Finding and Managing Romance on the Job. She shared with me her dos and don’ts for matters of love at work.

First, the don’ts.

1. If you’re going to ask someone out on a date, don’t do it in the office

“If you don’t know them well enough to get them out of the office, you probably shouldn’t be asking them,” she says. “First, why would you want everybody to hear? Second, you’re putting the other person in a really bad position. And third, it could look like you’re using the workplace to get

something.”

2. Just because it’s an office romance doesn’t mean you conduct it in the office

“That means not going to coffee or lunch together,” she warns, and that includes the coincidental catch-ups at the photocopy machine or the discreet little chats in the tearoom. She adds: “It means being more professional than you were before you were dating.”

3. Do not use company property to send messages to your loved one

Employees often forget they lose much of their right to privacy when they use company-owned computers, phones, and other technological devices.

“The IT guys might read this stuff,” says Olen, “and if you think it doesn’t happen, you’re wrong; it does. It’s not private at all.”

Well, that’s what to avoid. Here’s what to do:

1. Make sure you have more than just the workplace in common

“Familiarity breeds friendship,” she says. “If you’re only talking about your boss, maybe that’s a sign this wasn’t meant to be.”

Workplace couples often think they have a lot in common, but on many occasions it’s not true. They feel as though they have heaps in common, but usually it’s just because they wo

rk together.

2. Stay connected with other colleagues at work

“You and your loved one are not a self-contained unit,” she advises. “Make sure you don’t do that thing where you’re so in love that you let go of all your friends and co-workers. It’s bad on a professional level.”

3. Spend time after hours at places where you won’t bump into co-workers

The local bar near the office, for example, is a bad choice. When colleagues see colleagues getting intimate – even when it’s outside of work – it fuels the fire of workplace gossip. “If you give people something to gossip about, they will,” says Olen. “It’s enormously entertaining when this stuff goes on.”

Enormously entertaining, yes, but rarely for the couple involved.

Follow James Adonis on Twitter @jamesadonis

Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/small-business/blogs/work-in-progress/its-business-time-work-romance-dos-and-donts-20111020-1mao1.html#ixzz1bvmdhCkl

This is the first time I’ve been in an office situation long enough to even think about it. I’ve thought/dreamt about the guy who quality checks my work but it wasn’t romantically. Not really. I mean I once dreamt we were in bed together but we weren’t doing anything naughty or interesting. In fact all I can remember now is I kept checking to see if he was still asleep because I wanted to go for a wee without him hearing. In the morning I thought, this is about work not lust. Rather me wanting to be able to do my job without his help; or at least more independently than I am at the moment. I do hate needing to ask for help and unfortunately I don't, or not right away. I HAVE to though. Been told numerous times.

In training I was told that office romances happen but so far I haven’t noticed anything. Maybe some flirting but I’ve never been good at picking up on that and I can’t report any flirting aimed at me. Everyone seems younger than me anyway and that’s not really my style. I should be flattered but…early twenties freaks me out! I don’t want to be seen or perceived as a Cougar at thirty-one! I don’t feel like being a “teacher” to these younger men because I don’t think I’ve got the experience. (Such nice bodies though. Sigh!) At the other end of the scale I don’t want to seem like a mail order bride, (good time not to be Asian or Eastern European looking), or a sweet-tooth with her sugar daddy when I’m seen with older men either. It’s like I’ve always wondered? Why aren’t I good enough for men my own age? (Some older men’s bodies are all right but they don’t always work as well as they used to).

This is really straying from the topic now but I want a baby. I always did but now that I’m older it doesn’t feel like something I can put off as easily. My cousin had a baby a couple of weeks ago. That’s me and him below. And the daughter of one of my mum’s best friends had a baby nearly two months ago. Some of my friends have babies now and I love them all. My dad’s death has made me think about it more as well. One of the first things I thought after I was told he died was that he should have been a grandfather. My mother seems keen on becoming a grandmother. She says she needs someone new to pour her love into, to paraphrase. She also wants to have the energy to enjoy grandchildren. I know I want one but I don't know how it will happen. I mean it doesn't seem like a possibility at the moment. And yeah, that gets me down a bit.

Office Life

Oh my God! Everyone knows your business at work. I've just had a chat with the security guard about my dad. He gave me his condolences. Holy Moley! I was freaked out just the other day when I went into the kitchen and he greeted me by my first name. (I only think I know what his is). And here I was thinking I'm all on my own in my little corner of the floor. Life's weird.

More Work

I emailed my SME for more work today. And what I wrote was: Can I get a new job? The joke was not lost on me but I wonder if she got it?

Something has happened. Either I've stopped letting the stress get to me OR I'm getting better at my job. No! It's not either of those. I'll telling asking for help does help; but only a little! I feel quite good when I finish an order and hand it in to be QC'd (aka Quality Checked). But then you get it back with a list of things you need to fix. That feels like a kick in the guts. It shakes my confidence that I've actually learnt anything. I suspect I'm being too hard on myself but if I'm honest I don't think I'm working hard enough.

Perhaps I have a fear of failure. I'll ask my therapist. She'll know. She should by now! Part of me is thinking I'm sitting here waiting to be fired. We sort of talked about that. But the way she saw it was I was jumping from one point, a newly trained employee still on probation, straight to you're fired! Sure I guess I would be getting messages explicit or implicit from my SMEs or Team Leader that there was a problem before they told me to rack off. According to my one-on-two session, (with Rhett and Sas the SME), I'm not doing that badly. I may not work as fast as some but I am working etc. (Yeah...kinda). And I'm not the only that's on the slow end of the spectrum. They reassure me that the lost feeling I have is totally normal. And they pointed out I don't ask for help that often. That's when I broke. I've been brutally honest about how I feel I'm doing since day one. Some may say to my detriment. But I figure why lie? It's not going to take long for them to figure out I can't do my work. I told them how hard I find it to ask, being shy and all.

The whole session has helped. It took off some of the pressure I had put myself under, although I still think some of it was valid. It felt like an introduction which is partly what I needed. I don't know these people I'm meant to be getting help from. Sas said I could email her any time if that helps. I decided to go straight to her which was good for me. Have emailed but find it less useful.

Frankly My Dear

He didn’t say anything but I was caught on Facebook and possibly Hotmail at work today by one of the SMEs. (Yeah I can’t remember what that stands for except Expert). Just one of the go-to people before you bug the Team Leader. The TL is called Rhett Butler. Would you believe? I knew it was a famous name from pop culture but I had to look it up to remind myself. Gone with the bloody Wind. Frankly my dear I do give a damn! Apparently he’s really laid back. (A team mate and gossip buddy of mine used to work with him. Judging from a Facebook photo they’re not bad friends). Tall and cute in a dressed casual sort of way. He likes his football though. L And frankly my dear I DON’T give a damn about that!

It’s not that we’re banned from going on to these sites, or the net in general, it’s just that as newcomers we have to earn the right. To the best of my ability I did earn it the first day but never again since. I do it anyway as I get bored and frustrated and as in the previous post I don’t ask for help so when I can’t get on with my work I need something to do!

(Some one to do at the moment would be all right at well. It’s been a while. The last time I was touched by a man was a kiss on the cheek to say goodbye and good luck. This was the night before we started this job for real. Golly; that wet warmth was nice, however brief. By the way he’s the flirtiest and only married person in our group. He has this habit of winking when he talks to you. I’m going to stereotype him and say it’s part of his South American and Latin charm. That is to suggest it is his way rather than any particular interest in me. I thought he had blue eyes but today when the sunlight caught them I discovered they glowed like honey).

I'm too scared to talk to Rhett. In fact it took me ages to talk to Miguel the aforementioned SME and the guy Q Cing my work, that's Quality Checking people. He's checked one and it needs a rework. I still have my doubts any of this is every going to make sense.

It’s weird though, being caught, because it’s broken the ice. I went up to ask a question and it felt all right. Maybe it was because he came around and offered the help. I don’t know, but as long as that mental block of mine is gone who cares! Sing Hallelujah! The more I over hear the new people the more I see how we’re all in the same boat. That only gives me comfort when I'm still thinking rationally but once I get in a state I just think, "They're going to get rid of me they're going to get rid of me!"

I actually miss cleaning - bite my tongue! In that at least I knew what I was doing and could get on with it. I don't know why I can't ask. I know it's all right to and perfectly understandable but something is blocking me. I don't really want to go over this in therapy again. Thinking inward repression my have to be my damaging route for the time being. I've told Terry that I don't want to talk about work with him any more. He got pissed off with me the night before when I rang him and repeatedly said I can't do it. I've been wondering today if anxiety pills would help at all. I could ask the therapist that. I do like this therapist but I'm starting to feel like my life is crap. The whole process can get you down. It can make me dwell on bad things.

Don't Ask

I’m such a phony; then again maybe not. I mean I’m not claiming to know what I’m doing or to be any good at it. It’s about half way through day three of “being on the floor,” which just means training is over and the rest of this six month contract is work, with a probation period in the middle. (I forget how long that is).WORST FEAR: That I won’t make it through probation. RESULT: My self-esteem goes for a bungee jump without the bungee chord. It’s okay though, I’m back in therapy so it’s only metaphorical suicide I’d be committing.

Even the money – which I need quite badly – doesn’t seem that good now. It’s heaps more than cleaning but partly because it’s more hours rather than a better rate. I think I’m one of the few people from my training group who has to suffer the bite in my pay packet from the HECS monster. At $49 a week the government’s gonna own my arse for the rest of my life! Bastards! On the bright side it does make me feel a bit more grown up. So far in my work life I’ve only had one other job that paid enough to make it necessary to pay HECS. (That job lasted a week in the end). I can get pissed off with my friends who also went to uni and are “suffering” the consequences.

I rang my mum near the end of my second day telling her how lost I was feeling. She sounded a bit pissed off with me. The tone of her voice as if to say, Don’t fuck this up Amy! I admit I do get panicky with new situations but a little sympathy please. Granted she’s under a lot of financial pressure. The regular doom and gloom of being low income coupled with the savings gobbling price of rent has been made worse by my father’s recent passing. Didn’t help any that he lived overseas and we decided we had to go. I know owe my mother money for the trip over. And she in turn owes family and friends money. Her safety net is gone. One day we may get money from the will but it’s not much compensation. Especially emotionally.

My biggest problem with the job is being too shy and stupid to ask for help when I need it. I can’t help but feel like a moron because when I do ask for help it’s not long before I need more! I know it’s my lack of experience but when I look at my work I can’t always tell if I’m finished or not. There are all these hyperlinks and codes. AGH! And sometimes you feel like you’re going around in circles.

I actually told my therapist this would be my biggest hurdle; asking for help. Even though I know it’s not a bad thing I still find it hard to do it. She said to remind myself it’s okay to ask; that it’s expected, especially at this stage of the job, and to tell myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” I know, I know, I know, BUT! I can’t…. I’m seeing her tomorrow morning. I’ll get to confess but I won’t feel any better.